It's Canada Day! 28 years ago on this very day, I became a citizen of Canada. I took the Oath of Citizenship outside in a city park with about 25 other people. Each of us was instructed to raise our right hand and say, "I, (our name)" all the way down the line until all 25 people had done this, and then we would all repeat the actual oath. I was first in line. Standing next to me was a family from Thailand who didn't understand the instructions, because as I went, "I, Keith Ryan", the next person raised their hand and said, "I, Keith Ryan" and so on until all 5 family members declared themselves to be Keith Ryan. And the officials never corrected them! So the way I figure it, I should now be able to have 5 extra passports because I was sworn in 5 extra times, right? I got nothing. It's been 28 years, I should write a letter.
July 2, 2018
You hear this all the time:
Trump is a loser.
Trump is pathetic.
Trump is a buffoon.
Trump is a toddler.
Trump is a lazy schmuck.
Trump is crude.
Trump is a lying ignoramus with zero impulse control.
Trump a vain, pompous, flip flopping tool.
Trump is devoid of common sense and human decency.
Trump's ideas are fossilized, dumb as shit and as useless as the fool who espouses them.
Trump's abilities and talents are as imaginary as his real hair.
Trump thinks bluster and incoherent ramblings are actual content.
Trump wins the whiniest little bitch President award (boo hoo, everything is so sad, so unfair, so horrible, so pathetic, boo hoo).
Trump has no empathy and very little understanding of pretty much everything.
Trump accumulates gaggles of losers, chumps and incompetents because stupid is as stupid does.
Trump is the world's most public hack, a little boy in over his head, so full of shit he's orange.
-- Look, I just came in for a teeth cleaning. Is all this necessary?
-- Very.
-- What is that machine?
-- This is my synthesizer and I'm gonna play you like a harp.
-- But what's all this electrical stuff hooked up to me?
-- I told you it was my synthesizer. Now you're gonna sing.
-- Why did I have to take my shoes and socks off to get my teeth cleaned?
-- I have a foot fetish. I wanted something to look at while I adjust these knobs.
-- You're the doctor, I guess you know best.
-- I'm no doctor. I'm just a dental hygienist with a love of electricity and feet. You ready?
-- Shouldn't I open my mouth?
-- Silly man, we do the cleaning from the inside out. When I throw this switch, 100,000 volts will wipe those snappers clean in no time.
-- 100,000 volts! That sounds like a lot.
-- Yeah, well, this might tingle a bit.
July 6, 2018
Even though time doesn't exist, it sure does fly. We are now into the 220th month of KeithSpeak. When I started this over 18 years ago I thought I would, you know, just write a little something every day and see how that worked out. 6600 posts later, here we are. Call me stubborn? Relentless? Steadfast? Willful? Persistent? Perceptive? Adorable? Manly? Brilliant yet down to earth? Enlightened? Omnipotent? Gone too far? Heck, call me what you will.
July 7, 2018
I'm in the pharmacy behind an old guy who asks the pharmacist if there is a seniors discount. The pharmacist says no. The old man explodes. "You're in the business of bad health! I'm 80 years old and spend over $7,000 a year on drugs - in a town with at least 4 other pharmacy's - and you don't want to give me a seniors discount? Why?" The pharmacist says it's store policy, not up to him, don't get mad at me. The old guy laughs in his face and says, "Wrong answer, corporate lackey. I'm taking my 7 thou a year to one of your competitors. What do you think about that, shill? Goodbye to you and goodbye to your bad business model." He turns and shuffles out. The pharmacist shrugs his shoulders, couldn't care less, it's just a job, he's just a corporate lackey, just a shill, Next.
July 8, 2018
You spend 4 years in high school and you most certainly remember how that was for you. You certainly remember those 4 amazing years in college where so much changed for you. But after college, you started collating memories by the decade - in your 30s this happened; in your 40s this happened. Those 8 high school and college years were super impressionable because you were super impressionable. The whole world and your future was in front of you. Now, not so much. Now you're cynical and struggling. Now you're cautious. You are no longer open to new ideas or interested in others. By now you've done too much, you've seen too much. Now you're just waiting until you can retire and life isn't so hard to live and manage. But in your 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s, you become more open again as you lose parts of your mind, some memories and the restrictions that you placed upon yourself. Now you are marking memories by the time you have left. Sure you still remember high school and college, but couldn't give a shit about that now. Now the end is much more compelling than whatever was to come in the beginning. Even though it is just as big an unknown. Funny, huh?
July 9, 2018
Dialogue of the horrible:
-- I'm having sex with my cousin.
-- I'm having sex with my sister.
-- You win.
July 11, 2018
Once again, one of my favorite pics of Tuck, Maddie and Sophie.
July 12, 2018
If you listen to the mealy mouthed 5th grader in charge, you might think the world is awash in bad people trying to do you harm. But think back, before all his boldfaced lies, before hearing his fossilized ideas,before his racist bullshit, before this toddler ever threw his first public tantrum, had you ever ONCE worried that immigrants were going to kill you in your sleep? Was that ever even a possibility in your mind before Don the con said they would? Wake up. His fears don't need to be your fears.
July 13, 2018
I got a check from a media company that bounced. Bounced! I couldn't believe it. I eventually get in touch with the company comptroller and he explains to me how their plan was to use the money from one movie to pay for another, but unfortunately, their revenue projections were off (the first movie was a bomb) and they didn't have the funds to transfer to the second project. But because the payment date in my writing contract was hard and fast, he sent me a check he knew would bounce. Isn't that fraud? Isn't that movie shuffling thing just a Ponzi scheme? He shrugged and cut me another check he swore would be good (he actually held up his hand like a Boy Scout). I waved mine back at him. No no, you are still in breach of our contract because I was NOT paid what I was owed by the date stipulated because a bad check does NOT constitute any kind of payment whatsoever, therefore, the late penalty has kicked in and you guys owe me this much more. He cut me a new check, only this time, when he swore it was good, he didn't raise his Boy Scout hand. Hmm...
July 14, 2018
This kid was what you would call happy go lucky. His steps were light and bouncy, his disposition sunny and bright, his smile a yard wide. He had with him a golden retriever that was possessed of so much good will and joy that the two of them together were literally glee personified. Is there anything warmer than a boy and his dog?
July 15, 2018
He said his name was Ronny, but I didn't believe him. He didn't look like any Ronny I'd ever seen. He introduced me to his sister, Maria Conchita Maria, but looking at her, you could tell she was no Maria Conchita Maria. A few more introductions to people who couldn't have possibly been who they said they were and I was, you know, beginning to wonder.
July 16, 2018
Went to leave the house this morning and found a lovely little Northern Pygmy Owl sitting on top of our yard gate. It couldn't have been more than 6 inches tall. I assumed it would fly away as I neared it, but it stayed rooted even as I undid the latch mechanism and swung the gate outward. Considering I was never more than a foot away from it the whole time, bravest Northern Pygmy Owl ever? It wasn't until the truck engine kicked over that it flew away. But with a superb start like that, makes me wonder what else fun, fascinating and unusual might yet come today. Oh boy.
July 17, 2018
Overheard two sisters talking conspiratorially.
-- The plan will work if you don't screw it up.
-- But what if Daddy finds out? I'm scared, Joan.
-- He won't find out if you don't cave in and blow it!
-- But what if I...what if I mess up?
-- You're not going to mess up, Annie. We've been over this a hundred times. Just stick to the plan.
-- Joanie, if...if something bad happens, I want you to know you've been the best sister ever.
-- This is going to work, Annie. We don't have much time. Ready?
July 18, 2018
In the interview, Mary said that she would do anything for the job. The HR guy said that that wouldn't be necessary, but Mary repeated her desperate plea emphasizing anything. The HR guy was flustered and interested, but told Mary that nothing untoward was going to happen and she would get the job based on her merits like anybody else. Mary started fondling her breasts and coyly said, You mean, these merits? He told her to stop doing what she was doing. She leaned into his desk and told him that if she didn't get the job, she would say many untrue things that would probably cause him to lose his. He hired her on the spot. It can be said there are no flies on Mary.
Did he want to see how he'd look with a Fu Manchu?
Is it that color because he is expelling gray matter from his brain?
Were the glasses helping?
Where the hell can you smoke indoors anyway?
Could he also blow out of his mouth at the same time for a 3rd stream?
What does his girlfriend think of this?
Would a guy who does this in public even have a girlfriend?
Is it cool or weird or fabulous or icky?
Is it a plea for attention?
Is it the least bit attractive?
Is it just more pollution?
Does he still have a sense of smell?
Can he do that with water?
July 21, 2018
Allen couldn't believe what he was hearing. His 16 year old son, Malcolm, was telling him that he was going to become a professional wrestler. He said that he has quit school, joined a gym, started a steroid programand has decided to call himself Malcontent Malcolm, a heel. Allen stood there with his mouth open. Malcontent went on. You can either help me or hinder me, but I'm going to juice, I'm going to get big and I'm going to be a pro wrestler. Allen suddenly felt the full weight of fatherhood upon him. The easy stuff - taking them trick or treating, teaching them to swim - that was all in the past. Here before him was something new, something...heavy. Would he prevent this, chicken out, cave in, or help his son?
July 23, 2018
Do something foolish, she urged. Go out and have a ball. Live your life, get crazy, go wild. Her live at home 28 year old daughter scoffed at that idea, straightened out her sweatpants, turned the sound up on Jeopardy! and went back to her mac and cheese.
Her mother called an ornithologist. Don't mama birds kick the babies out of the nest at some point? Yes? Well how do they do that? The bird man informed her that they just stop feeding the babies. They get hungry, they take the chance on flying and suddenly they're out.
She immediately emptied the fridge, kitchen cabinets and pantry of anything edible. She would starve her daughter out into the real world. It was natural. The birds did it. But her daughter took umbrage. They argued. They fought. Faint from lack of food, the daughter finally said, You win, packed her bags, left the house and hasn't been heard of since. Why didn't the ornithologist tell her the baby birds can turn on the mother and scream hurtful, spiteful things and then leave the house and never see them again or tell them where they are? Why wouldn't he mention that?!
July 26, 2018
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. You seem to know exactly what you're doing with yours. Could we affect some sort of trade or swap? You live my life for a while, straighten things out, get me back on track, meanwhile, I'm in your shoes and can finally see the forest for the trees.
Thanks, Dennis from Minsk
Dear Dennis from Minsk,
Sure, a swap sounds groovy. Friday good for you?
July 27, 2018
Roses are red
Violets are blue
How you live your life
Is up to you
Is too
July 29, 2018
You are your best council. You are after your own best interests. You know exactly what is true for you. So why would you define your worth based on the opinion of others? They're not you. Wake up.
July 31, 2018
2nd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
Months ago my aunt had been coming on to me and well, one thing led to another and now she's pregnant. My mother (her sister) will go apeshit when she finds out. I can hear her screaming now - Incest! It's incest! Anyway, we have been fighting over what to name it. I'm partial to a strong Bible name like Mordecai or Lot, but my aunt likes Buzzy. There is no way in hell I'm naming my kid Buzzy! Isn't that just the stupidest thing ever? Can you settle this?
Signed,
Buzzy hater
Dear BH,
There is so much going on in this letter it's hard to comment on just one thing.
