KeithSpeak - August 2018

 

 
 
 
August 2, 2018
Overheard two young Americans at a local cafe.
-- I love vacationing in Canada. It's so relaxing here.
-- Enjoy it while you can. Three more days and we're back in the madness that is America.
-- Oh boy, more nonstop ignorance and lies from the cry baby in charge. Can't wait to hear how fat boy spent more time on the golf course and grabbed more women by the pussy. Can't wait to hear how the orange blob wants to bone his daughter, bring back coal and give more money to the rich. Can't wait to hear all the apologists and losers who support this useless puffball of slime. Can't wait.
-- Speaking of which, did you register to vote?
-- You bet I did. The youth of America can send this barf bag and his toxic brand of bullying and bullshit back to whatever cave he crawled out of. I'm definitely down with voting. You can be sure I'll be pulling levers in November.
-- There aren't levers anymore. You mark an X on a piece of paper.
-- Either way, Don the Con's got to go.
 
August 3, 2018
Things I came into this life already knowing or have figured out since:
-- That I would be married only once.
-- That I would purchase and own just one home and property.
-- That I would experience great and abiding love.
-- That I was more attracted to intellectual curiosities than physical ones.
-- That in the end, my highs and lows would equal out.
-- That my affinity for animals would be a key to a loving life.
-- That I would always be able to hold my own.
-- That this is my last go 'round (on Earth) incarnation-wise.
-- That life is rich, malleable, and amenable to whatever I want it to be.
 
August 4, 2018
At the last minute I changed my mind about where I was going. I then made a right hand turn from the left lane. No other cars were coming so it wasn't a big deal, except if felt wrong. How can an illegal turn be visceral? Why did I feel anything?
 
August 5, 2018
We left America over 30 years ago when an addled, Alzheimer's ridden idiot named Ronny and his anorexic shrew of a wife were talking about bombing the Earth from space with their moronic Star Wars plan. Now, 30 years later you have the truly stupid Trump braying about his need for a Space Force. (None of this is to mention that extra special moron, little Georgie Bush.) But when taken as a whole, Reagan, Bush, Trump - my god, what a series of spectacular losers with dumb as shit ideas trying to be the man.
 
August 7, 2018
He grew up on a farm and came from a fundamentally religious family. One day, when he was out in the fields, he saw a UFO. It was close, silent and flew slowly overhead. There was no mistaking what he was looking at and when he told his family about it later, they accused him of fibbing and making up stories. They said there is no such thing as UFOs or god would have mentioned them in the Bible. But he knew what he saw. And he now knew for a stone cold fact that there are real things outside the scriptures, so, didn't that make the scriptures suspect? Obsolete? 
 
August 8, 2018
Hey babe, need a ride?
I can take you anywhere.
Paradise.
The next town over.
What's that?
My pipe bothers you?
You're not fond of smoke?
I could put it out.
You hungry?
I got some beef jerky in the car. 
You're a vegan?
Nothing with a face?
Fashionably thin?
You mean on purpose?
You only wear natural clothing?
You only drink bottled water?
What's that again?
Am I a Uber?
Am I part of the gig what?
What do you mean my car's no phallic symbol of any great significance?
My upturned shirt collar?
Yeah, it's on purpose.
It's sexy.
My pants are too short?
My car isn't cool enough?
My moustache looks like Hitler's.
Well screw you, babe.
I was just trying to be nice.
Yeah well, you look old enough to be my daughter.
Shit, maybe she knows my daughter.
Damn car salesman said it was a chick magnet.
Lyin' bastard.
 
August 11, 2018
A loud bang. 3:35AM. I investigate. Nothing here. Nothing there. Now I hear scraping noises. I walk into the kitchen, turn on the light and there on the floor is an upturned 10 quart pot - moving around the floor! I lift the pot up to find one of our cats underneath. Free!, she scampers out of the room. More movement catches my eye. There on the counter is her sister. She is on the counter right next to the stove where the empty pot was sitting. Did she flip the pot over on her sister? Of course she did. Now she nonchalantly licks her paw, even though she tried to decapitate her sister, knows she is not allowed up on the counters, and is now, at 3:38AM, showing complete insouciance. Jeez.
 
August 12, 2018
I don't ever reprint from other sites, but The Medium ran a list of Don the Con alt-names that are so spot on that everyone would know immediately who you're talking about even if they didn't know of the Lying Lump in the White House. Here are some of the best.
 
Adolf Twitler
 
The Angry Creamsicle
 
Benedict Donald
 
Donny Comb Over
 
Comrade Cheeto
 
Dolt 45
 
Donald Chump
 
Donnie Dotard
 
Draft Dodger Don
 
Donnie Don't Know Shit
 
The Fraud of Fifth Avenue
 
Fuckface Von Clownstick
 
The Great White Dope
 
King Leer
 
The Lone DeRanger
 
Gropenfuhrer
 
The Lyin King
 
Prima Donald
 
Sissypants
 
The Talking Yam
 
The White Pride Piper
 
SCROTUS - So Called Ruler of the United States
 
Traitor
 
If the shoe fits...
 
August 13, 2018
A friend was moving and asked if I would help. We loaded a bunch of boxes into his truck and then he asked me if I would take his girlfriend's bicycle over to her apartment a few blocks away so he wouldn't have to move it to his new place. It was a beautiful carbon fiber Trek and I just had to ride it first. So I take it for a spin around the block and get stopped by a cop for not wearing a bicycle helmet. It's a $29 ticket. Two trips and three hours later the last load of stuff is in my buddy's truck and the only other thing left is his motorcycle. He asks me if I would ride it over to his new house. I hop on and take off. Exactly two minutes later I get stopped by the same cop who ticketed me earlier. He can't believe I am riding a motorcycle with no helmet after I just got stopped for riding a bike with no helmet. I think it's kinda funny; he doesn't. He writes me a ticket for $138. Today has cost me  $167, just to help a friend move. Wait a minute...
 
August 15, 2018
So this guy says that winning money comes down to nothing but luck. When I asked him to describe this luck, he couldn't. When I asked him to conjure up some luck, he couldn't. When I asked him to define luck, he said nothing that meant anything. Then I told him that there is no such thing as luck and ascribing real life events to some made up bullshit is just another excuse to ignore the fact that it did  happen. So, how did it happen? He shrugs his shoulders. Another person rejecting responsibility for his own life, as if we're not all making it up from scratch, day by day, moment to moment, decision by decision.
 
August 18, 2018
There are currently over 600 wildfires burning in British Columbia. The sun is a red dot. The air is acrid, thick, hazy and gray. The lake and mountains are completely obscured by the ground to sky curtain of smoke. If this were a magic trick, everyone would eagerly be awaiting the rabbit from the hat. If it's not a magic trick, uh oh.
 
August 21, 2018
Went outside this morning to find two jack rabbits sitting opposite each other on our front walk. Between them was a fresh green apple. I had to get past them to get where I was going, and fully expected both would hop away as I approached, but they didn't. I literally walked around two wild rabbits as it appeared that neither bunny was willing to give up the apple in exchange for safety from a human. Now that's something you don't see every day.
 
August 22, 2018
Roses are red
Violets are blue
With chains around his hands and feet
Don the Cons swan song will be
Nah-uh, it was you not me.
 
August 23, 2018
Now that's a Christmas card.
 
August 27, 2018
It has been a ridiculous week. Stuff happened, then more stuff happened. As if this weren't enough, all that stuff was followed by even more stuff. As you can surmise, it's been crazy. Crazy!
 
August 31, 2018
You could say you don't know what you're doing, that you're just blowing in the wind, and most people would still have no idea you're winging it, or you can plan everything out and make perfect case scenarios complete with bar charts and graphs, show that to them, and again, most people will still have no idea how you're doing it. You see, how you live your life and what you do in your life will always be a mystery to others, whether it is to you or not.
 

 
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