KeithSpeak - July 2017

 

 
 
 
July 2, 2017
Quite by accident, a domestic efficiency expert descended upon us. She told us how to make our home life better. I told her it was great the way it was. So did my wife. The expert demurred and said that that was far from the case. Then she rearranged our house and gave us a spreadsheet on how to maintain our home to its utmost efficiency. The second she left I deleted the spreadsheet and moved everything to the way it was before. Pshaw, who needs an efficient house when it's already a comfortable one?
 
July 4, 2017
I am getting ready to leave the country for a week. I will be going abroad, not taking a computer, phone, or any other way to hook to the Internet. I will be back on July 11th. I will, of course, miss you and think about you all the time while doing my best not to feel sad because we are apart. I'm sure you'll do the same, right? Right?
 
July 5, 2017
I'm off, my pretties. See you in a week.
 
July 11, 2017
I'm back, but I need a nap.
 
July 12, 2017
Overheard two flight attendants on the plane.
-- The guy in 19C is a cranky bastard.
-- I know. He told me I didn't put enough ice in his drink and when I added more, he huffed that now there was too much and I'm pathetic.  
-- If his wife exposes any more cleavage they're both gonna fall out. And her dress is short enough to show Paris, France.
-- Plus, he smells.
-- Why is there always at least one prick on every flight?
-- It's like it's an airline requirement to keep us on our toes or something.
-- Oh my god! What if he's from the airline and purposefully testing us to see if we're responding properly! You know, like a quality control guy.
-- You mean he's being a prick on purpose?
-- Could be.
-- That puts a whole new spin on things.
-- Doesn't it.
-- But what if he's just a natural miserable son of a bitch married to a whore and they're just regular passengers?
-- I know, it's a dilemma...
 
July 14, 2017
I was walking by a long building with ground level windows running the full length. Inside, at the first window, sat a cat. As soon as I started walking by, the cat kept pace with me by jumping from windowsill to windowsill. I stopped. It stopped. I ran, it jumped faster. When we reached the very last window, the cat stared at me with a forlorn look. So I turned around and rewalked the length of the building again. Again the cat leapt from window to window. When I started back down for the third time, the cat stayed and watched me walk away. That small but light filled moment was the brightest thing in my day.
 
July 15, 2017
Dude tells me that he has everything. I congratulate him and say that that's a beautiful thing. He agrees, then hits me up for 20 bucks. Wait, he has everything but money? Is that still everything? Can you really say you have everything if you don't have something? But I can't question him on this, I'm sure he has no answers either.
 
July 17, 2017
Some say I did it, others say I didn't. Only I know the truth. But why tell it when the rampant speculation is much more entertaining than the actual truth. When that ceases to be, perhaps I'll spill the beans. 
 
July 18, 2017
He went from having no money, to having a ton of it, to ruining his life. He was a cop, first on the scene of a double murder drug deal gone bad. Laying next to the dead men was a laundry bag of cash. He put it in the trunk of his patrol car. When forensics arrived, he drove straight home and dumped the bag on his bed. When he was done counting he was richer than he had ever dreamed. He paid cash for a new house, new car, new clothes, new toys. He bought jewelry, met a lot of women, married a stripper. But Internal Affairs wanted him, and the IRS wanted him, and the DEA wanted him and so did the drug cartel whose money he had stolen. In the end, of course, they got him. All of him. Every last piece. The only thing left was his story.
 
July 20, 2017
A friend's girlfriend is making $3,500 a week as a cam girl. He is conflicted about what she's doing, but says the money is too good to quit. He says he has to leave the house when she does her shows because he's the jealous type. But he says the money is too good for her to quit. He says he has to get in his car and drive around just to cool off because he gets enraged at all the "lesser bros" seeing her doing what she's doing on cam. But he says the money's too good for her to quit. I suggested that perhaps there's more to a sane life than money? He said no, the money's too good to quit.
 
July 22, 2017
Went to a friend's store opening a week ago. Went to a wedding a little after that. Today I'm attending a funeral. Am I just that popular?
 
July 24, 2017
Stumbling around in the dark is the norm for Maurice, mostly due to the fact that he is a blind alcoholic. His days consist of listening to Milwaukee Brewers games, Wheel Of Fortune and old Gunsmoke episodes, and his nights last until closing time at the local bar, after which he stumbles around in the dark making his way home. Asked if he ever wished he had sight, Maurice said, "And see the atrocities in this world? And that no one is doing a damn thing about them? No thank you." Asked if he ever wished he could go on the wagon for good, Maurice replied, "And live stone cold sober in light of the atrocities of this world and the clueless buggers running it? No thank you." It's been suggested that when a blind alcoholic makes more sense than the current 5th grader in charge, that the slippery slope has been reached.
 
July 26, 2017
Overheard at the sporting goods store.
-- This is the stick I want.
-- Let me see that. $165 bucks! No way, mister.
-- Mom, all the guys are using this stick.
-- I don't care, Arnold. I am not spending that kind of money on a hockey stick you'll just end up breaking.
-- But it's carbon fiber and titanium!
-- Tell me, Arnold, how did you break your last stick?
-- I don't remember.
-- You broke it slamming it down on top of the dasher in the penalty box because you were angry at Joey Nishkin for slashing you.
-- I hate that bastard.
-- Watch your language, mister.
-- Mom, with a crappy stick I'll be behind everyone else and that may be the reason I may never make it to the NHL, all because you were a cheap ass.
-- That's it! No stick for you!
-- Mommmm.
-- Let's go, mister. Now!
-- When I get rich from my first big pro contract - I am NOT buying you a house. Screw that.
 
July 27, 2017
Are happiness and contentment the same thing? No, no they are not. Happiness is a short lived, often replaced emotion or expression usually attached to a place or thing. Contentment is a long term prospect, encompassing much more than a single event or circumstance, the effect of which is to reach the point where you couldn't possibly be any more happy. In other words, contentment is just long term happiness.
 
July 30, 2017
Her nickname was Killer because she used men like a machine gun used bullets. She was gifted, her talents extraordinary, her hunger insatiable. How this would all end was an open question.
 
July 31, 2017
This was fun. Remember the cat from a couple of weeks ago? Well I was walking by that same building today, but didn't see the cat so I walked the length of it and suddenly, at the last window, the cat jumped onto the windowsill and stared at me. Game on. So I turned around and rewalked the length of the building with the cat jumping from windowsill to windowsill keeping pace. At the last window, I turned around and was ready to walk back down once more because that was the direction I was heading in. But this time, the cat jumped down from the sill and disappeared. I walked the walk and when I reached the last window, the cat jumped up on the sill again! The cute little thing expected me to walk back again! And I did! And it followed like usual. But I was late, so when we reached the last window, I waved goodbye and kept on walking in the wrong direction all the way around the block to avoid seeing the cat again.
 

 
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