KeithSpeak - August 2017

 

 
 
 
August 1, 2017
FIRST LINES WE'D LIKE TO READ
It was a collective nightmare of nepotism, stupidity, blatant ignorance, elitism, lie after lie after crudely created lie and was literally the worst dream ever when suddenly the entire country woke up and realized that Trump was never president, and the people wept for joy.
 
August 2, 2017
  
                        The Mutiny of King Marco the Stubborn
 
-- Here, we'll cross here.
-- Are you mad?! Look at those waves!
-- What's the prob? I've got my sandals on, the water's warm. Come on, carry my throne, let's go for it.
-- King, sir, if I may.
-- Yes?
-- Many of my men don't know how to swim, plus everyone is wearing chain mail and heavy clothing with big assed swords and stuff. They'll sink like stones.
-- So we lose a few dudes. Come on, lift me up.
-- But sire, there are boats just over yonder.
-- No, I want to cross here. I'm the King. You all have to do what I say. Now come on, hop to it.
-- But Sir-
-- No! Who's mumbling? I hear mumbling! Listen up you punks, I'm the King and I say we cross here! Now let's get- Why are you looking at me like that? What are you doing? Get back you vermin!
 
August 3, 2017
Ah, my wit has once again captured the astonishment of a contentious person. Seems a night school lawyer has decided that I ripped off a screenplay of his that he wrote in 7th grade. I immediately agreed and told him that I loved that 7th grade screenplay and was there a problem? My flattery threw him off. His night school lawyer brain couldn't comprehend this unplanned for, unexpected acquiescence. Yes, I continued, when I showed the studio your 7th grade screenplay, they all agreed that we should rip you off and spend untold millions making a movie out of a property we didn't own, written by a 12 year old, so we did. Again, is there a problem? Of course, he said there was a giant problem and started to go on when I cut him off and said that I just saw a 5th grader with a spiral notebook that I must have because you never know, might be gold in there! Ta.
 
August 4, 2017
Her name was Darla and she said she was a practitioner of the dark arts. I dunno, wouldn't you expect someone like that to be dressed in black clothing with heavy eye shadow, straight black hair, pallid skin? Not Darla. Darla had on the brightest floral print imaginable, accented by the red and white ribbons in her strawberry colored hair. She wore no makeup at all and in fact, seemed to be a beautiful, wholesome girl. Huh, a witch who doesn't look like a witch is kinda titillating. Who knew?
 
August 6, 2017
Overheard two matrons at a cafe.
-- I miss seeing you. I wish you hadn't left.
-- I wouldn't move back there for a million dollars. The whole place is full of randy old men!
-- I know.
-- Every time I went downstairs someone hit on me. It's gotta be happening to you.
-- Sure, I've been propositioned.
-- Well what'd you do?
-- I took him up on the offer.
-- WHAT!
-- Yeah, I did him back at his room, only he couldn't keep it up and started wheezing half way through. I thought he was gonna die of a heart attack.
-- I can't believe you did that!
-- Carole, I'm old, fat and living in a retirement home, but not everything's stopped working, if you know what I mean.
-- Jean!
-- God Carole, you're such a prude. For the first time in my life, men want me. You know how exciting that is?
-- Yeah, but they're a bunch of dirty old bastards.
-- No they're not. They just regular guys who think about sex from adolescence to death. That's what men do. But for the first time ever, I'm in the right place at the right time in my life. I want it, and they want to give it to me.  
-- Ew, that's gross.
(pause)
-- How many guys have you...you know...done?
-- As many as want it.
-- God Jean!
-- Yup.
 
August 7, 2017
Been waiting on a letter. It arrived. It was not what I was expecting. What to do? Write my own letter? Rip theirs into a million pieces? Visit them? Get into an argument? Get into a fight? Cause some damage? Yes. My wrath shall be hand delivered. Knock knock.
 
August 8, 2017
So, I bet you're dying to know how yesterday went. Well, puff puff, let's just say I won't be getting any more letters from the likes of her  anytime soon.
 
August 9, 2017
Crap, another letter. Hmm, how to respond. After much deliberation I have decided that my time is more valuably wasted on drinking with my friends and other such pursuits. So I am officially out.  I, of course, sent her a letter stating such. I expect this is the end of it.
 
August 10, 2017
Crap, another letter.
 
August 14, 2017
Overheard two guys at a fast food restaurant.
-- So how's it going with Megan.
-- I don't know. She's got some weird things going on.
-- What do you mean?
-- I'm sitting down to lunch last week and she comes over with a cat carrier. I'm thinking, Oh no, she got a cat. She's going to rescue a cat. But then she opens the carrier and pulls out a snake!
-- What?!
-- God, it was like 4 feet long and brown and black and she takes it out of the carrier and puts it around her neck like a boa.
-- It's a boa constrictor?!
-- No, like a feather boa. I don't know what kind of snake it is.
-- Why in the hell does she have a snake?
-- Her sister is a stripper. The snake is part of her act. But her sister has to have surgery so she asked Megan if she could take care of it for a couple of weeks.
-- What club does she dance in?
-- It's not just the snake. Megan is-
-- What's the snake's name?
-- What?
-- The snake. What's its name?
-- What does that have to do with anything?
-- Yeah, I don't know. I just figured maybe it had a cool name. You know, Snakezilla or something like that. Anyway, go on.
-- No, I think I've said enough.
 
August 15, 2017
POEM OF THE MONTH
 
The Draino instructions say
Pour it down, wait, rinse with hot water
The drain frees itself with gurgling sounds
But now my girl gurgles
In her sleep
Like a bottle of Draino unclogging a clog
Cute it isn't
 
August 16, 2017
Saw a sign on the highway for a tent revival meeting down at the fairgrounds. All I could think of was Burt Lancaster in Elmer Gantry so I drove by and sure enough there was a bunch of holy rollin' going on. Some low rent, fiery eyed, crazy looking Burt Lancaster wannabe lunatic was sputtering and stewin' about the horrors of the devil with spittle on his mouth and a filthy hanky in his hand with which he would occasionally wipe away said spittle. He was a-spewing and a-spoutin', prancing and pacing and all the while spinning god fearin' tales of fantasy and foolery. There were maybe 35 people there at an average age of at least 72. Off to the side, sitting on the steps of his travelling preacher wagon was his wife. She looked meek, cowed, submissive and fraught with fears. Between the bombastic showman and this poor waif, it was something straight out of Elmer Gantry. Life imitating art. You don't see that everyday.
 
August 17, 2017
Canada is shining like the jewel in the crown. We've been that all along, of course, but the bright lights of America have made it a little difficult to see before now. But with the 5th grader in charge turning the brightness down to a cheap 40 watt bulb, we are now very hard to miss.
 
August 18, 2017
I've got this friend...known him for a while, liked him all right...but he revealed something about himself that made me seriously question my friendship with him. It's not that I didn't think he was capable of doing what he did, it's more that I'm surprised he actually did it. And that makes me like him a whole lot less. And that's a terrible thing to happen in a friendship.
 
August 20, 2017
He came home with a new motorcycle. She freaked out. Their 4 year old son starting crying. The neighbours said the motorcycle was obnoxiously loud and they roundly cursed him. Dogs chased him down the street. What was supposed to be a fun present for himself turned out to be a lightning rod of hate and the enjoyment he had looked forward to was replaced with a hardcore screw them attitude that was not part of his makeup prior to the purchase of the bike. Eventually his wife had enough, divorced him, took their 4 year old and moved back to Flin Flon. He joined a motorcycle club and often hosted his buddies. Soon, his house became the full fledged clubhouse, and soon after that the neighbours burned it down. The club retaliated by burning down the neighbourhood. It was his dream, literally, gone up in smoke.
 
August 21, 2017
I don't know what you did last night, but I made cherry squares, only we didn't have any cherries or cherry pie filling so I thought of using raspberries but we didn't have any, then bananas but banana squares sounded kinda gross, so I finally settled on beans because we had a can of baked beans. I gotta say, they were the worst cherry squares I have ever eaten. No sweetness, no cherries, they were just awful. Is this something that can be blamed on the eclipse?
 
August 22, 2017
You can hate your fellow man, war with him, attack his ideas and beliefs, kill him, kill his family, blow up his nation, but you should always be kind to animals, for they bear the fallout of men hating other men.
 
August 24, 2017
He's all excited to tell me that a celebrity (who shall remain nameless) has followed him on Twitter. Because I am less enthusiastic, actually nonplussed, actually 100% disinterested, he repeats his breathless claim. So? I remark. So!, he shoots back. So! That's all you have to say?! I am in direct contact with (shall remain nameless) and my incredible life is being followed by him! So indeed! Look, I guess I'm glad my friend is excited by such a non event as validation by a B list celebrity that his life is followable, but I can only muster a meh.
 
August 25, 2017
Damn, a windstorm yesterday cause a huge birch tree to lose pieces of itself and rain them down on the roof of our shed. 300-400 pound, 1 foot diameter, 8-10 foot lengths of fresh, heavy birch litter the fortunately still standing roof. A chainsaw is needed. That means I will be up on a steeply pitched roof with a chainsaw whirring at 60 miles per hour hacking up chunks of birch tree while trying to maintain my balance and not cut into the shed roof, my leg, face or other body parts. What could go wrong? Really, it's at times like this that home ownership seems overrated.
 
August 26, 2017
Overheard a mother and son at the drug store.
-- Put that back, Randy, we're not here to buy overpriced candy.
-- You shut up!
-- Now Randy, be nice.
-- I said be quiet!
-- Don't talk to me like that!
-- You shut up!
-- All right, that does it. Let's go.
-- No!
-- Yes!
She grabs the kid by the arm and starts pulling him toward the door. He sticks out his other arm and starts knocking off every single item on a parallel shelf. From behind the counter the pharmacist yells, Hey! The kid turns his head.
-- You shut up!
-- Hey!
The pharmacy door closes.
 
August 28, 2017
She blamed everything on the Kraken. Her family had been sailing off the coast of Norway when they encountered a sea monster that pulled her brother Giles off the boat, ripped him limb from limb and devoured the pieces. She was quick to point out that she wasn't that fond of Giles as he used to torture small animals so it wasn't all that bad that he was dismembered and eaten. But then the Kraken snatched her father and ate him too. This was another non tragedy because her father had been molesting her for years so she wasn't all that sad to see him go. Her mother was next, and again the tears just never formed mostly because her mother was an abusive alcoholic who often beat the children. She alone had managed to escape and sail back to port where no one believed her story and accused her of murdering her father, mother and brother. She was sentenced to death and in her last words before the end, blamed everything on the Kraken, then smiled and whispered, Thank you.
 
August 30, 2017
I was killing time down at our town square. Sitting on a bench across from me were three people. There was an elderly couple with a sign board and copies of a religious tract they were handing out, and next to them was a man with an elaborate display of whiteboards extolling the virtues of magnets. His magnet ardor was so real, so palpable, that the religious couple stopped trying to convert people and sat down on the bench to watch him. The amazing part was he wasn't even selling magnets, he was just excited about them. It was very genuine, very authentic, kinda weird.
 
August 31, 2017
The sign said, You Are Here, only there were two arrows pointing to two different places. I know atoms can be both a particle and a wave, I know that an electron can appear and disappear in the quantum, I know that there is a multiverse scenario where there are infinite numbers of Keiths in an infinite number of places, but two arrows on a You Are Here map? Two? That's ridiculous.
 

 
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