KeithSpeak - January 2011

 

 

 

January 1, 2011

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIThe TUCKER & SOPHIE & MADDIE ChroniclesIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Once again, it was an awful New Year's night with all 3 of our dogs freaked out by local fireworks. While our inebriated neighbors were lighting matches to explosives, our dogs were besides themselves with fear. I don't mind the concept of a new year, a new start, but the execution sucks.

January 2, 2011
Ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in many years and both of us were surprised at how much older the other one looked. Of course, he thought he looked much better than I did and I thought I had fared better than he and soon we were competing about who had the more fortunate intervening years when it became clear to me exactly why we hadn't seen each other in oh so long. Life isn't a competition, but it can sure seem that way sometimes.
 
January 3, 2011
Judy and Bernice were soon brought before the TSA for acting perky in their jobs. Said Herman Gullwing, head of the TSA's We Will Crush Your Spirit division, "Seeing happy go lucky airline employees might encourage our workforce to be nicer. If that happens, the terrorists win. Is that what you want?"
 
January 4, 2011
"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up."  
                                                                      Muhammad Ali 
 
January 5, 2011
It snowed last night so I was shovelling off the walk. When I got to the front gate, I saw there was a single line of deer tracks that came across the fresh snow in the driveway and right up to the gate, but there they stopped. There were no tracks backtracking away, and the deer did not jump the gate into our yard because I had just shovelled my way to it and there were no tracks on my side. Huh? 'Splain that Rickey.  
 
January 6, 2011
If you were to name the three most important things to you, would your pets be one of them? 
 
January 7, 2011
Mr. Oka was explaining to Morris and Jimmy the need for building teeny tiny itsy bitsy cities. "They're cute for one, and two, we can eliminate windows 'cause they'd be too little to see out of anyway!"
"No windows...yessss, it's a brilliant plan," mused Morris. 
"Windows schmindows, I love that sweet little temple in the park! " Jimmy enthused. "I'm in!"
But Morris wasn't done working out the details. "Little buildings mean the elevators could be super tiny. You know how much elevators cost? This is awesome!"
"That's right," agreed Mr. Oka. "It's the best plan ever."
Sadly, this mini modern marvel was never built, derailed by an unresolvable squabbling over what to call it - Oka Land, Morrisville, or Jimmy City.
Pity, no?
 
January 8, 2011
I don't get these little running backs in the NFL. How can guys 5'6, 180 pounds get hit by 6'7, 350 pound linemen and still get up?  
 
January 9, 2011
If there was anything sexier than gold lamé in Miami Beach, Naomi hadn't heard of it.
 
January 10, 2011
In the last 30 years I have built two pieces of furniture, our bed and our dining room table. We no longer use the bed, but the table is still our main table. I built it with two tools, a worm drive Skilsaw and an ancient drill. This table will still be around a hundred years from now, when someone will probably proclaim, They don't make 'em like that anymore, not at all realizing that they didn't make 'em like that even when it was made.
 
January 12, 2011
As a writer, I work by myself a lot. But no matter what I'm working on, sooner or later, I have to work with others (editors, vendors, producers, directors, partners, etc.). The problem? None of them are me. And sometimes they'll say, Keith, we don't get it. Then I have to explain stuff. Usually my head explodes. But there is a solution. See, I figure that if they were more like me, then one, that would be really great, and two, I wouldn't have to explain stuff all the time. Man, wouldn't that be something. 
 
January 13, 2011
"Politics is full of dumbasses."
                              Keith Ryan 
 
January 14, 2011
Cara and this bush were best friends. Sometimes they would pretend they were on a madcap adventure in the south of France. Other times they would sit quietly in the front yard, telling each other their dreams and goals. The bush, unlike her daughter, never did drugs and ran away from home and robbed banks and made the FBI most wanted list. The bush never talked back, never passed a bad check, and never committed mortgage fraud with a meth addicted moron named Cracker. Never once had the bush cursed Cara or depleted her bank account by pretending to be Cara, and when that didn't work, pulling a gun, which did. The bush never left home for rehab or prison and never once missed Cara's birthday. That's why, BFFs forever, Cara and the bush. 
 
January 15, 2011
A guy is walking down the street with both shoe laces untied and flopping about on either side of his boots. He is the embodiment of waiting for an accident to happen and due to this potential, I'm glued to his motion, a willing witness. Incredibly, he walks an entire city block without stumbling once. I immediately determine that he is a trained circus performer used to building up his audience with a heightened sense of expectation, and then foiling that through nonchalant showmanship and exquisite balance. What?   
 
January 16, 2011
Some gal has memorized the first 6400 digits of pi as a stunt to sell her special memory elixir. But isn't that like going out and shooting 6400 people to prove your gun works best? Because really, it's entirely possible to memorize 6400 digits without a memory elixir, just as it's possible to kill 6400 people with a rock instead of a gun. Snake oil is still just snake oil.  
 
January 17, 2011
With ubiquitous computers, the Internet and now burgeoning smartphones, it's a darned good time to be a thinking human being. Remember when you used to have to go to the library for reference? Remember when there was no way to have a telephone with you when you left the house? Remember when you used to use adding machines and typewriters? Not that long ago, my friends. So just think, of all the folks who have ever sucked air, we are the seminal generation of the nascent digital age. Pret-ty cool.  
 
January 18, 2011
Do you see an empty pavilion or a dance waiting to happen?
uggboy  
 
January 19, 2011
So many times you'll read a Web posting by someone who swears they know what they're talking about and their advice is guaranteed good. But what if you met that same person in real life and they said the same thing to you? Would you believe it as readily as you might online? In person you get to assess body language, inflection, tone, personality, looks, dress, and even get a feel for the general intelligence (or lack thereof) behind the words. Online, um, not so much. So my advice? Just to be safe, don't believe anything you read online unless it comes from me, because, you know, I know what I'm talking about. Guaranteed. Hey, wait a minute...   
 
January 20, 2011
I was sitting here wondering why the bulk of my friends are in the trades - plumbers, carpenters, electricians, furniture makers, etc. I know a couple of people in management, a few entrepreneurs, some artists and some loggers. But no professionals, save my wife, and no academics. Now what does this say about moi? Hmm. 
 
January 21, 2011
How many people can say they've found what they do best? Innate talent is within all of us. Discovering what that is, and getting to do it are huge additions to one's quality of life. So what are you a natural at? What do you do best?  
 
January 22, 2011
I meet this guy who sells copy machines for a living. I say, So how's that going? He shrugs and tells me it's stressful. The copy machine world is very competitive. Basically I hate it, he finishes. When I suggest he might want to do something else with his life, he says he can't afford to, been doing this too long, heck, he'll probably end up selling copy machines for the rest of his life. Jeez, doing something you hate for the rest of your life when you could have done anything...a man hoisted by his own petard.  
 
January 23, 2011
Our little town is set to have a huge motorcycle rally this summer smack dab in the middle of tourist season. I wonder who will be more surprised, the bikers stuck behind RVs pulling boats and Sea Doos on trailers or the vacationing tourists and their families thinking they're coming to a quiet lake in the middle of nowhere.    
 
January 25, 2011
You're tired from walking all over the place. You come upon this inviting wet seat. Do you sit?
 
January 26, 2011
To show how good and bad Susan's smartphone has been, in the first 5 months of her contract, she is now on her 3rd replacement phone. The bad is the fact that the phone has had major hardware and software issues from day 1. The good is the fact that when the phone works, it is awesome, and even though she has gone through 3 of them in 5 months, has not yet switched to another brand or model. The other good is that the telco has been honourable about all the troubles with this smartphone and is doing its best to accommodate the users who have had issues. What's that saying? 3rd time's the charm? 
 
January 27, 2011
Many years ago a friend bought an acreage that qualified for farm tax, which knocks the property tax down by about 75%. Only trouble is, you have to produce things on your acreage and not just take the tax break. They give you so many years to do that, and if you don't agriculturally produce, you suddenly owe all the back taxes you would have paid if you didn't have the farm tax for all those years. In this case, close to $40,000. But my friend has a plan.  He is currently going through the paperwork to become a legal grower of medical marijuana, help sick people, and get the tax officials off his back. It seems like an oxymoron, but will growing marijuana make the government happy? 
 
January 28, 2011
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
How come so many "world leaders" are wretched?
I wish I could say I love them but I don't, no way. 
 
January 29, 2011
Physiologically, wine doesn't sit well with me, so I don't drink it. This angered a friend who had a wildly expensive bottle that he wanted to share. He didn't want to drink it by himself, he wanted company, and someone who would appreciate this mighty vintage. But that wasn't me. Still, like a mother trying to get a kid to eat Brussels sprouts, he cajoled and prodded and when I kept refusing, finally got mad. He said that my not drinking was robbing him of a prime life experience. Nonsense, I returned. That was a while ago, we haven't spoken since. Ah, the vicissitudes of life. 
 
January 30, 2011
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
                                                                                                                                                               Albert Einstein 
 
January 31, 2011
I just read something that tied my stomach in a knot. Though what I read was intellectual, my reaction was visceral. It was proof for me that we are mind and body, one and the same, no separation, no division. 
 

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