KeithSpeak- December 2017

 

 
 
 
December 1, 2017
What's missing in the 21st century? Joie de vivre.
 
December 3, 2017
You can do anything you want. You can be anything, act any way, find others who think like you do or go it alone. You can be quiet, loud, street smart or book smart. You are given the complete and total freedom to be a genius, a drunk, a lawbreaker or a saint. You can help your fellow man, or you can be a miscreant, a chump and a user. You may be kind to animals and love for love's sake, or you might be an untrustworthy terror with little regard for people, places, institutions and conventions. Your behaviour is yours to create. The impression that leaves is the signature of your character. This is ALL up to you. Capish?
 
December 4, 2017
Roses are red
Violets are blue
People are people
And that's the problem
 
December 5, 2017
Overheard a man and a woman at the dog park.
-- She's so cute! What's her name?
-- It's a he. His name is Zeus.
-- Such a manly name for such a little dog!
-- I thought it would give him confidence. What's your dog's name?
-- Alice.
-- She looks like an Alice.
-- That's what I thought!
-- Ok, since we don't know each other, just guessing, I'd say you look like an Abigail.
-- Abigail! Heavens, I'm no Abigail.
-- What's your name?
-- Alice.
-- You named your dog after yourself?
-- She looks like an Alice. I had no choice in the matter.
-- Ok then, what do you think my name is?
-- Oh, I don't know. Thor? 'Cause you named your dog Zeus.
-- Come on, do I look like a Thor?
-- Um, no, you look like a Benny.
-- It's Roger.
-- Would you mind terribly if I called you Benny?
-- Yes, I would. But I'd be ok with Thor.
-- You're no Thor. He's no Zeus. You guys are more like Benny and Pat.
-- Benny and Pat!
-- Yep.
-- Well Alice and Alice doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.
-- Oh, and Roger and Zeus does?
 
December 6, 2017
Saw a self-proclaimed "Professor of Life" on a talk show. She said that humans are trash and we should be ashamed of ourselves. "We are nothing. We are less than nothing. We are puny ants. We are dirt. Scummy dirt. A pile of scummy, freakin' dirt." She was passionate about her nihilism which left the talk show host confused. He thought a "Professor of Life" would be a positive, life affirming person. Why was she saying that humans are ant dirt? It went on and on like this. Entertainment wise, it was afternoon TV at its finest; education wise, it was a gong show of imbecility in the guise of information.
 
December 7, 2017
I heard an optimistic American say that if North Korea bombs the US, he hopes they hit the south and nukes those ignorant racists off the map. "I mean," he went on, "if you're looking for a silver lining and stuff."
 
December 8, 2017
He was a shadow of his former self. He used to be a go getter, determined to make the world take notice of him and his accomplishments, but he's not like that anymore. Now he sits on his couch and watches a lot of TV. He rarely goes out. He wears the same clothes for days on end. His kids are worried. They think he's depressed. He doesn't care what they think. He doesn't care about anything. I don't see the point, he says wanly, as if he had macular degeneration of the entire body.
 
December 9, 2017
A woman walks up to me in the grocery store and blurts out, "I know who you are!"
I smile, nod my head, try to move my cart past hers. She blocks my way.
"Remember me?" she asks. I don't. She says, "That's because we've never met in real life - but we have in my dreams! I dream about you! I love KeithSpeak! And they're not all sex dreams either!" Well, that was something. "Anyway," she continues, "I know you're married so I'm not going to suggest we get a room or anything, but I just wanted to say I am a huge fan. You're a very clever man and I appreciate that." Then she tapped her cart into mine like we were clinking champagne glasses and walked away.
Well, don't I feel special, puff puff.
 
December 11, 2017
He was incredibly talented at football. He was a star quarterback with all the athletic gifts. Everyone thought his future was unlimited. Everyone was banking on him. But then he got a concussion; a bad, brain scrambling experience that lasted far too long and scared the crap out of him. What do you do if your best talent, your greatest strength, your supernatural ability could end up causing you grave long term consequences?
 
December 12, 2017
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
Geoffrey
Belinda, hand me my scarf.
 
Belinda
Geoffrey, I don't want you to wear one. It's...it's not manly.
 
Geoffrey
(snorts)
Don't be silly, Belinda. I look super devilish in a scarf.
 
Belinda
I never told you this before, but...my father was strangled to death when he got his scarf caught in an elevator door at Macy's. It went up to the second floor - Notions, Lingerie, Makeup - and he went up with it, on the outside, by his neck. 
 
Geoffrey
I remember the picture in the paper, that guy hanging from the ceiling, the manager at Macy's freaking out... That was your dad, huh? Anyway, I'm definitely wearing one.
 
Belinda
Then Geoffrey, please, do be careful.
 
Geoffrey
Jeez, if I'm stupid enough to get choked out by a frickin' elevator, I deserve to die.
 
Belinda
That's my father you're talking about!
 
Geoffrey
Look, Belinda, all I have to do is check out the radiator fan on the car, make sure it's working properly, and we can go. You finish dressing. I'll honk the horn when I'm ready.
 
But there was no horn honk. Eventually Belinda exits and finds Geoffrey strewn all over the engine.
 
Belinda
(exasperated)
Oh dear, not again.
 
December 13, 2017
Went browsing for Xmas presents and walked into a small store off the main drag. No one was about so I looked at their wares until I heard grunting from the back of the shop. That was followed by low moans and then the unmistakable slapping sounds of sex being had. It wasn't exactly Jingle Bells, but it was seasonally festive just the same. I didn't see anything I was interested in so I left. As I was exiting, a small 85 year old lady entered. I smiled, wondering how long it would take her to realize what was going on and what, if anything, she would do about it.
 
December 14, 2017
An 8 year old told me he wanted to be a fireman until he saw a picture of one who got all burned up. Now he wants to "work in retail". I asked him what that meant. He said he didn't know but he liked "the sound of it". I asked him what it sounded like. "Safety", he replied.
 
December 15, 2017
Graham had just run his car off the road and into a deep ditch. He had a gash over his eye and blood was coming from his nose. Worse, the car was inoperable, even worse, his seat belt was jammed and would not come undone, even worse, he had a hundred pounds of weed in the vehicle with him. Distraught, Graham wondered if it could it get any worse when in the absolute worst of all worst's, he saw the RCMP officer climbing down the embankment to help.
 
December 18, 2017
I have a friend who lives up a steep hill whose road is an honest to god death trap in winter. There is a sharp left hand turn down at the bottom of the hill that empties out onto the Trans Canada Highway. If there is snow or ice on the road and you miss the curve or you can't stop at the bottom in time, you slide out onto the busiest road in Canada. This happened to me yesterday. I came out between a Corvette that narrowly missed me and a semi truck that had to swerve into the oncoming lane to avoid a collision. When I got home, I called my buddy and told him that from now on he is my fair weather friend. He knew exactly what I meant.
 
December 19, 2017
The 5th grader running America (into the ground) says that he believes chocolate milk comes from brown cows, of course, as any 5th grader would. Next he's predicting coal's comeback, taunting a foreign nuclear power, slurring his speech, drinking a glass of water like a two year old with a sippy cup, and declaring his undying "love and respect" for a known pedophile. Jesus, is it not time to send this perfect imbecile back to his bat cave? If not now, when?
 
December 21, 2017
The Winter Solstice! Feel the thrill.
 
December 22, 2017
I know two people who have rescinded their US citizenship since the dotard took office. Before the orange cheeto took over people might have asked if it was the decline of the American empire, ending with a question mark. Now there is no doubt, and no more question mark, for it has now become a declarative statement.
 
December 23, 2017
His girlfriend's father was an executive with a major telecom. When he asked the guy why his cell phone rates were so high, the exec laughed and told him "that's the way it is" and that he could lump it or leave it, laughing at the boyfriend's impertinence. The boyfriend exited the house and went over to the exec's European supercar in the driveway. There, he slashed the tires, broke every single piece of window glass, scratched the paint up and down with his house key and for the finale, unzipped his pants and pissed all over the interior of the car. Then he pulled out his cell phone, videoed the wrecked car, went back home and posted it on YouTube with the title That's The Way It Is. Within a week, the video had 300,000 comments and the exec was fired because of his insolence and the bad publicity. Even though his girlfriend dumped him, and he had to spend a little time in jail, the boyfriend had the merriest Christmas ever.
 
December 24, 2017
They all said he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...
The McPhersons were having a giant Christmas family reunion. All the relatives were coming over from the old country guaranteeing there would be 100 McPhersons and more. Seamus was in charge of the alcohol. He ordered eight kegs of beer, and had 120 loose bottles of everything from scotch to champagne, only he didn't have room in his house to store it so he left it all out by the garage. Where it got down to -23 last night. Where every keg split at its seams and frozen foamy beer now filled his driveway. Where most of the bottles had been broken when a huge chunk of ice broke loose from the garage roof and landed on the glass. Where Seamus freaked out when he saw it in the morning. Where an alcohol free McPherson family reunion Christmas party would have seemed like an absolute no go impossibility, and yet...
 
December 26, 2017
Christmas cards we received this year:
 
A blank card with no picture and no writing. If it hadn't been for the return address on the envelope we wouldn't have known who accomplished this less than nothing feat. I had to call them and ask if they were purposely sending out blank cards. They weren't. They blamed their 13 year old son for the switch. They were both angry. We've been played for fools! Ah, the holiday family spirit.
 
The best card we got was from a family who took pictures of all the animals on their farm, and then did a bunch of Photoshop face swapping with all the members of the family, added some witty words befitting a poet farmer and it turned into the best Christmas card.
 
Got one that was solid black except the picture of a friend, dead centre of the card, looking pious in a highly overexposed photo so bright that it was hard to look at but not hard to get his drift - he was being a fake jesus in a whole lotta stark card. Is my friend an artist? Why yes, yes he is.
 
Got a standard Hallmark printed card that wasn't signed. The envelope had no return address. I thought it might be from Aunt Hilda in the Balkans, while my wife thought it was probably from Mary. We had no way to pull the fingerprints off the card and make a match, so we had to live with our guesses.
 
And lastly, we got a giant animated Christmas card from Julio and Edgar, our engineer friends. On the front is a clock. When you move the hands to midnight, the card opens and you are looking into the manger. But when you look closer, everyone is having sex in the manger. Even baby jesus is enjoying himself. The 3 wise men - my god! This might have been our best card this year if not for the disproportioned anatomy of some of its members, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
 
Goodness, who knows what next year's will bring?
 
December 27, 2017
Been expecting something for the last two months that still hasn't arrived. Is it me? Is it them? Should I be more proactive? Should they be more responsible? Is it my problem or is it theirs? Is this whole thing a lack of communication, a deliberate act, or a complete misunderstanding? Does this have anything to do with vengeance or disrespect? Are there outside forces impinging the situation? Is an act of god involved? See, I'm self-examining, not to dispute the situation or to blame anybody, but to understand why I'm involved. Because I am. See, only then will this make sense to me.
 
December 30, 2017
Be sensible. What does it cost you? Why be heartless and indifferent if you don't have to be? For instance, when the orange dotard stars spewing venom and lies, just be sensible, ignore him. It's not hard. You're not missing anything of substance or truth. And certainly don't fret, there will be more lies tomorrow. With him, there is nothing but lies because the truth - that he's a sick man with a 5th grade intelligence littered with fossilized ideas and prehistoric levels of ignorance - is impossible to hear from a serial liar. He'll only use the truth if he thinks it will help bolster his lies. That's how much of a liar he is.
 
December 31, 2017
Be kind to animals.
 

 
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