KeithSpeak - January 2018

 

 
 
 
January 1, 2018
Overheard two guys at the drug store.
-- Did you go out last night?
-- Nah, it was too cold. The missus wanted to curl up in front of the fire, drink champagne  and watch the ball drop on TV.
-- That sounds boring.
-- Why, what did you do?
-- I was at the bar till it closed, man. I was shitfaced. Staggered out to the parking lot and found that someone had sideswiped my car. I was so pissed, but I didn't want to call the cops 'cause I was pretty drunk, so I just drove home.
-- You drove home drunk on New Year's Eve? That's stupid.
-- Maybe.
-- No maybe about it.
 
January 2, 2018
This guy tells me that he has a friend who is exactly like George Costanza from Seinfeld. Ew, why would anyone befriend a whiny little liar who belittles others for petty reasons and bemoans the fact that he is a loser in a world filled with even worse losers. My friend laughed and said, "Because he's rich. He takes me to sporting events around the world. We visit exotic locales and eat at amazing restaurants - all on his dime. Sure he's a snivelling little creep but he's a rich snivelling little creep." A wealthy George Costanza? I dunno, I could only take a little bit of that.
 
January 3, 2018
As of 2 days ago, recreational marijuana is now completely legal in California. This is also the year where recreational pot will finally be legal Canada wide. Man, what a lot of political hoopla for a weed that grows anywhere and millions upon millions smoke daily. And look, it only took until 2018. Sigh.
 
January 5, 2018
I keep getting all these letters asking why there isn't a libido pill for women by now. Viagra has been out for 20 years. Come on, what's the story?
 
Ok, it might have something to do with a researcher for a pharmaceutical company who did invent such a pill and tried it out on his wife at home. In no time at all she proved to be too much woman for him and it scared the daylights out of him. At first he thought it was something easy to fix, like adjusting the strength or toning down the dosage, but he found out that libido isn't regulated like a dimmer switch, it's an on or off proposition. And his wife's was definitely in the on position. But because he was an inadequate man and a terrible lover, he grew afraid that with this pill, women would come to dominate men and was so threatened by this spectre that he shredded the research, told no one about it, and went back to being the supposed man of his house. His wife? Ooh, that's another story.
 
January 7, 2018
If you don't listen to yourself - what you have to say, what you believe in, what you think you should do - why would you solicit the opinion of others who aren't you and have none of the inside information you have? Looking for outside validation is a sign that you don't value your own opinions, decisions or actions. Why would you do that?
 
January 8, 2018
Everybody has their own ideas about what's what. This is both fascinating and frustrating.
 
January 9, 2018
An American entered the pub wearing a Trump is God t-shirt. Before he even sat down, he was so loudly jeered and ridiculed that he left the bar. Several hours later I saw this same tourist downtown where it seems every other person he passed stopped to confront him about his t-shirt. Even though I was half a block away, I heard him yell, "I thought Canadians were supposed to be so polite! You people are animals! Animals!" Tee hee.
 
January 10, 2018
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Just found out something awful about somebody I like - somebody I used to like - somebody who is dead to me now,
Dammit.
 
January 12, 2018
From this lone stick, archaeologist Dexter Farragut determined that this was all that's left of a once great civilization rivalling the Egyptians, Greeks and Romans, and that this lone stick must mark the burial grave of its once and powerful emporer, a man who ruled with an iron fist and was a bloodthirsty heathen with a harem of sexy wives. Dexter thought his name might be Marco or maybe Johnny. When questioned about his grandiose fabrications, Dexter Farragut replied, "We're archaeologists, that's what we do! Rob graves and make shit up! Get off my back!"
 
January 16, 2018
The last few days have been hectic. I don't even have time to tell you why or how, just that it's been so. Is it over? No. Today is just as hectic. Will it be over soon? I hope so. I certainly do. Why? Because I'm not a machine! Tee hee.
 
January 17, 2018
Overheard two teens loitering outside a convenience store.
-- I could rob this place.
-- What are you talking about?
-- Look in there. One old lady behind the counter with all that money in the cash register. Push her ass aside, pull out the dough, run like hell. What's she gonna do?
-- But they got cameras everywhere.
-- Not if I got a ski mask on.
-- So you're gonna walk in the store with a ski mask on? Good plan. 
-- No man, I walk in like normal. The cameras think I'm just a regular customer. Once inside, I put on the mask and rob her ass.
-- Fool, they got cameras inside too!
-- Well then I'll grow a beard and shave it off after the robbery.
-- By the time you grow a beard, that old lady's gonna be dead.
-- Man, I just want some easy cash.
-- How about a job, Larry? You ever think about that?
-- Well, no.
 
January 18, 2018
Our long driveway is a solid sheet of ice. This morning, the meter reader drove half way down before he realized he was in trouble. He stopped his truck and walked the rest of the way, continually slipping and falling as he carefully negotiated the ice. He finally gets to the house and reads the meter. Then he slips, slides and falls his way back to his truck, where he puts it into reverse, and goes nowhere. With zero traction, the wheels spin and he has no way to back up out of our skating rink. He calls a tow truck. 15 minutes later, the 1 ton tow truck shows up and backs down our drive. He hooks up the meter reader truck and before too long, the tow truck is stuck. Pissed, the tow operator spends the next 20 minutes putting chains on his truck. He pulls the meter reader up to the road and then the tow operator spends another 10 minutes removing the chains before he can drive away. For them, it was nothing but a complete pain in the ass. For me, it was breakfast theater.
 
January 21, 2018
America elects a visionary president! No wait, hardly.
 
January 22, 2018
To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
                                                                                                  G.K. Chesterton
 
Remind you of anybody?
 
January 23, 2018
In a spur of the moment, being in the right place at the right time, I did a good deed for a stranger. To show his appreciation, he did a good deed back for me. Neither of us expected what the other did which made both efforts completely authentic and genuine enough to elicit pure admiration from both of us. These acts were the very definition of quid pro quo. My my, look at me, using Latin in 2018, puff puff.
 
January 24, 2018
A lot of the professional things I have learned to do have been by the seat of my pants. I've not trained to be a writer, a long haul trucker, a journeyman carpenter, a webmaster, etc. And yet I am all that and more. So don't let the fear of not knowing how to do something prevent you from going after what interests you. This is, of course, the exact reason why people lie on their resumes, still...
 
January 26, 2018
I was in a public office waiting to speak to the receptionist as she finished typing something. Her keyboard was black but something white was sprinkled all over it. As she typed, she would occasionally scratch her head and gobs of dandruff would flake out over the keyboard. Oh, so gross. It was dandruff. Bad dandruff. Monumental dandruff, all over the keys and the tips of her fingers and I'm not sure, but I think I threw up in my mouth, just a little. When she was done typing, she looked up and said, May I help you? She had dandruff on her forehead and nose. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew it wasn't right.
 
January 28, 2018
Overheard a guy and a gal at a store.
-- You're a silly!
-- No, you're a silly!
-- Hey, do you remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry calls his girlfriend Shmoopy? What if we call each other Shmoopy?
-- That's-
-- You're a Shmoopy, I'm a Shmoopy. How cute is that?!
-- No.
-- Aw...
-- You're a silly!
-- No, you're a silly!
 
 
January 29, 2018
INANE MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
TRISTAN
Do you want to go?
 
BARRY
Oh Tristan, I couldn't possibly... or could I?
 
TRISTAN
What?
 
BARRY
You know.
 
TRISTAN
No I don't know, Barry.
 
BARRY
You knooooow.
 
TRISTAN
If I knew I wouldn't be asking, now would I?
 
BARRY
Oh Tristan, this world is so messed up! Sometimes I just want to fling myself off a cliff!
 
TRISTAN
God Barry, I just want to know if you want to tag along while I run some errands.
 
BARRY
Oh sure, it starts with errands... All this drama! You go on without me, I would only slow you down.
 
TRISTAN
It's not a wagon train, Barry. What are you talking about?
 
BARRY
I thought you'd never ask.
 
TRISTAN
I almost didn't.
 
BARRY
And wouldn't that have been a tragedy!
 
TRISTAN
So, are you coming or not?
 
BARRY
All these decisions! Everybody wants a piece of Barry! Back off, Tristan! Stop pushing!
 
TRISTAN
Ok, I'm going.
 
BARRY
Trisssssstan!
 
TRISTAN
Yes?
 
BARRY
Can you bring me back some wet wipes?
 
January 31, 2018
How can you possibly shape your future if you are still obsessing over the past? Looking behind you is very different than looking ahead; the past roots you in place, while the other (a future you can't even contemplate) remains a mystery. How are those your best options? My advice? Move on from your past, reconcile it, and look to your future. Because your future is where your best you awaits.
 

 
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