KeithSpeak- December 2014

 

 
 
 
December 1, 2014
It took place in a sporting goods parking lot. Idiot A had just bought a new metal bat. He was out by the cars swinging freely for the fences when Idiot B, who had just bought a new glove and ball, walked out of the store. B called to A to hit him one back so he could make a catch with his new glove, and he underhanded the ball toward him. Idiot A smashed that thing right through the front window of the store. Then he raised his arms in victory like it was the grandest of grand slams and trotted around imaginary bases saluting the crowd and saying, I love you too!, whilst Idiot B, paralyzed by the screaming store alarm, stood there amongst the glass shards frozen in shock. Seconds later, stupor and celebration gone, both men ran away in opposite directions. The store manager closed the place, wrote down the license numbers of the two cars left in the lot, viewed the exterior security camera footage and called the police. Both Idiot A and B were caught and charged with stupidity. It's said that humanity slept a little easier that night.
 
December 2, 2014
I noticed two geese walking on the side of the road. As I passed them, I saw that one goose's wing was just hanging off its side. It was obviously broken. These birds mate for life. How awful for them.
 
December 3, 2014
-- So how's the weather up there?
-- Oh, it's good.
-- Well is it raining, snowing, foggy, sunny, what?
-- Yeah, you could say that.
 
December 4, 2014
My keyboard has 104 keys and 8 buttons. I only use 63 keys and 0 buttons. So fully 40% of my keyboard is useless to me. But I like it that way. I like the cluttered, jam packed look of a lot of useless stuff. Makes me feel like I'm in command. Stand back! It's an illusion, sure, but it's my illusion, see.
 
December 5, 2014
What if you get to your version of the pearly gates and they ask for your personal access code? I know! Now what? You can't go back and you can't go forward. Suddenly you notice the billions of others in limbo, wandering the hallways, lost like you, scratching their heads, mumbling numbers and passphrases... Don't be one of them! Know your personal access code!
 
December 6, 2014
I saw this butt wiggling through the trees. Occasionally I'd see a tail wagging, but mostly it was a wiggling butt sashaying through the undergrowth. Finally, a dog emerged. He was on the trail of something good. I said hello. He didn't pay me the slightest heed. From up on the road, I heard someone yell, Rod-ney! Come here, boy! The dog didn't pay him the slightest heed either. Instead, he plunged back into the woods, butt a wigglin', on the trail of something good. My, but that dog was alive.
 
December 7, 2014
Is it easier to accept yourself if you're fit and trim? Or are you fit and trim because you accept yourself? Your body and its current physical state is a direct reflection of your thoughts about yourself. How you think about yourself is manifest in who you are, literally. And how you see yourself, is how others see you.
 
December 8, 2014
"Four legs good, two legs bad."
                   - George Orwell, Animal Farm
 
December 9, 2014
At one time this building held someone's hopes and dreams, only to fade away like the sign and the times.
The owners who have moved on, the business that is no more, these artifacts are evident in the building's anthropomorphic despair.
There was no proud and triumphal ending here.
Just the abandonment of someone's hopes and dreams and the building that contained them.
 
December 10, 2014
Overheard on the street.
-- Get away from me!
-- No, I will never do that! How could I ever leave you? You are my reason for breathing! I will always be here for you. I will love you forever. You are my goddess. I am your humble servant.
-- Whatever.
 
December 11, 2014
I've heard of plushies but I didn't realize, until I saw a group of them this morning, that there are adult jammie lovers and grown men dressed like babies, on purpose, in public, sucking on pacifiers, wearing diapers, wearing kids jammies, and worst of all, speaking baby talk to one another like they're 1 year olds. Wow. What a planet.
 
December 12, 2014
Got hired and fired from the same job all in one day. At ten in the morning I was told I had been hired, yea, lovely, good. At 2:20 in the afternoon I was let go. Seems the green lit project was no longer green nor lit. The whole shebang was cancelled due to...something. That was the most money I never made.
 
December 13, 2014
This guy's Twitter feed is literally what he has eaten for breakfast every day for the past seven years. Every meal has been briefly described. Some photographed. I'm not sure why anyone would do this. Write about all their breakfasts. Tell the world what they ate. Which appears mostly to be Count Chocula cereal or toast and coffee. Breakfast boy's got 3,000 followers. Why?
 
December 14, 2014
Stressed out this holiday season? Tip: All you have to do to alleviate the anxiety of finding the perfect gift for everyone on your list is to find the one gift that everyone would want and then  buy that like 11 times (more or less depending on the size of your gift list). There, that's done.
 
December 15, 2014
The fact that Svetlana would so shamelessly flirt with Yuri in front of her mother was troubling to no one.
 
December 16, 2014
Sander, 35, a computer programmer who had never had sex, drunk alcohol or smoked dope laid his virgin trifecta to rest at the company Christmas party held at the home of his boss. The result of which, the following Monday, was that Sander found a pink slip in his inbox. It seems that getting drunk and vomiting on the host's couch was disgusting and inappropriate, while smoking dope outside the front window with the boss's 15 year old son where everybody inside could see them doing it, was frowned upon, as was Sander's stoned sneak into the kitchen for something to munch on, losing his focus and finding himself in the pantry with one of the less attractive caterer's helpers after paying her a huge amount of money to have sex with him, and then never getting to finish as the pantry door was breached by the house's owner, his boss, looking for some more hot sauce for the wings and was, well, shocked by what he found instead. Sander couldn't tell if he was happy to have tried everything once, or sad because he lost his job, income and way of life.
 
December 18, 2014
Listen, you don't have to watch the evening news. It's merely a compendium of depressing stories, one after another, each with a different horror of mankind on display for the viewing public. Toss in know-it-all ignoramus pundits, sycophant hosts/anchors, a dash of stupid celebrity news and a viewing audience that can't seem to look away and wallah! formula TV. But really, you don't have to watch.
 
December 19, 2014
Saw a grown man sitting on a bench downtown eating one of those giant sized 4.5 kg Toblerone bars (that's 10 pounds of chocolate). I had walked past him in the early afternoon on my way to a meeting and then again after my meeting some 2 hours later. He had finished the whole thing! The empty Toblerone packaging was crumpled up next to him. With that much sugar in him how was he still seated on the bench? Wouldn't you think that 10 pounds of chocolate would make you dance like Prince?
 
December 20, 2014
I went down to City Hall to renew Susan's business licence for her practice and ran into an old friend. Our City Hall and the Provincial Courts share a single building. As you approach it, you either split one way toward the City Hall entrance, or go the other way to the courtrooms. My friend and I chatted, said our farewells and took our separate paths.
 
December 21, 2014
It's the Winter Solstice. All over the world, intrepid people are standing and watching and filming the sunrise and sunset at sacred sites such as Stonehenge, Machu Picchu, Chichen Itza and Karnak. Sun on a rock? How thoroughly unmodern. Me, I'm celebrating the start of winter by lounging in my bathrobe eating cookies and watching football on the telly. What.
 
December 22, 2014
He didn't have much. Just the power button really. But it was a start, his start, to world domination. The red light shone brightly in his manic, charismatic eyes. A drop of spittle formed at the corner of his mouth. He was on his way.
 
December 23, 2014
I don't normally compliment my readers on their good taste, but I gotta say that Janice Del Page has it goin' on.
 
December 25, 2014
Overheard at the bakery.
-- How old were you when you found out Santa Claus wasn't real?
-- From day one our parents told us Santa was a fake. My mom said she never wanted us to be disappointed later when something we believed in turned out to be a hoax perpetrated on children by adults, on purpose, all over the world. 
-- I was eleven.
-- How did you find out?
-- I found the stash of presents my parents hid in the attic. I put little marks on them and told myself that if those same presents ended up under the tree, then I'll know that my parents did it, and not Santa. Christmas morning I confronted them, I showed them my marks. They admitted that Santa wasn't real. I cried and in anger kicked one of the presents across the room. It turned out to be my long wished for Easy Bake Oven that was now all smashed up. My mother made me keep it as a reminder of my Christmas shame. I still have it today.
-- Oprah would love that story.
 
December 26, 2014
Got sent a picture of someone I didn't know with the caption, Look how much I've changed! I tried, but I just couldn't see it.
 
December 27, 2014
Don't be intimidated by life. Don't be cowed by the magnitude of this incredible, overwhelming reality. It's all an illusion. Though that doesn't make it any less real. But being afraid is to live a life of fear. Is that what you want to live? Think about your life, and then live your life the way you choose to live it. On purpose. Poof, intimidation be gone.
 
December 28, 2014
Look, maybe you don't want to be a better you. I'm only saying what I'm saying because if you're a better person, then that makes the world a better place. And since I'm a part of it, that makes my world a better place. So yes, it's pure selfishness that makes me want you to be better. There you have it.
 
December 30, 2014
Can you believe we're coming up on 15 years past Y2K? This also closes out my 30th year of computing. If there is anything these two computer related things are telling me it's that I'm getting old. Cripes, what kind of news is that to find out about yourself at the end of a year? Sigh.
 
December 31, 2014
A street person tried to get arrested so he could spend a warm night in jail instead of a frigid one on the street. He parked himself next to a trashcan on the town square and waited until he saw an RCMP patrol car. He then picked up the trash can and intentionally dumped its contents into the street in front of the cops. They got out of their car and while one went to talk with the homeless man (who stood there with his hands held out hoping for handcuffs), the other started picking up the garbage. The police didn't arrest him, which evidentially wasn't good enough because the street person then ran over to the patrol car and started kicking it furiously, denting the vehicle multiple times before he was stopped. This time he was arrested. He was smiling as they stuffed him into the back seat. He may be living on the street, but there's nothing wrong with that man's dedication to an idea.
 

 
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