Is this any way to start a new year? I'm having a beer with a professional comedian after he just finished taping a one hour TV special. You think he'd be happy, but he's not. He says that he did all his best bits for the TV show and now he has no more material. "The problem is, my life isn't funny. I can't complain about my wife because she's a saint. I can't talk about how I'm struggling when I'm pulling in this kind of dough and I can't bitch about travel because travel is a pain in the ass for everyone and there's nothing funny about that anymore. What else is left? 2015 already sucks. Another beer?"
Marco and Bunny had a trusting relationship based on the fact that Bunny had no mass of her own and was thus not subject to the effects of gravity, so Marco had to constantly hold onto her or she would just float away. When Marco was asked how stressful that was for him, he first laughed and then started crying uncontrollably.
January 3, 2015
The alarm failed to go off this morning. Consequently, I got up late and missed the thing I had set the alarm for in the first place. I later found out from someone who was at the event that my name was cursed for not having shown up and a vote was taken confirming that I would never be forgiven by the rest of the people who had managed to make it on time and had no sympathy for the likes of me which didn't. Nice.
January 4, 2015
Two friends are at the pub and every hour on the hour one guy's cell phone rings but he never answers it. The fourth time it happens, both guys say at exactly the same time, Will you answer it already! Turns out each guy thought it was the other one's phone ringing and that the other guy was not answering it on purpose. Both men, now drunk after four hours at the bar, laughed and laughed. Upon hearing the phone story, Barry Todd, public relations for the beer and wine industry exclaimed, "See, now that's the fun side of alcohol! You always hear the bad stories: the multiple death car crashes, the alcohol poisonings, rampant domestic abuse, public violence, out of control addiction rates... But every now and then you get a great story about two friends confused about a phone! That's a great story. That's the good side of alcohol. That's what we want to talk about is the good side."
January 6, 2015
Ah, Canada in winter... I have been up since 2:30 AM plowing snow. We got 3.5 feet of snow all day yesterday and all through the night. It is now 7:30 and I have spent 5 hours clearing our driveway. After all that time I have a single lane that is barely passable. I will have to spend the better part of today pushing back the 6 foot high snow accumulation on both sides of the driveway so that more can be deposited there because let's face it, winter has just begun. Yeesh, later, my pretties.
January 7, 2015
Hate to constantly moan about the weather but on top of all the snow we got in the last two days, we also got freezing rain, we lost power last night and now everything is pretty much of a greasy, powerless mess. I'm afraid that re-righting my personal home universe will take precedence over creative writing, at least for this morning. So, if you'll excuse me...
All correct answers will win a new Chevrolet and a lifetime supply of Snickers.
January 9, 2015
Considering all the fabulous advice and stellar suggestions spewed out in KeithSpeak over all these years, I was wondering how much of it has been utilized. In other words, have a bunch more wonderful people been created? An independent report was commissioned, thousands of interviews were conducted, it turns out I have a 100% success rate. Do too.
January 10, 2015
Overheard at a lunch spot.
-- What would your husband say if he knew I was trying to seduce you?
-- He'd have my head. And yours too if he knew it was you.
-- But you're not gonna tell him, right?
-- Why would I do that? His temper is out of control. If he even thought I was having an affair, I shudder to think of the damage he'd do.
-- What, what do you mean?
-- First of all, you'd be dead meat.
-- What? Like how?
-- Like by chainsaw, machete, meat cleaver, something grisly.
-- Are you serious?
-- My husband is crazy and jealous and has been known to lose his mind.
-- Oh my god.
-- Am I worth it, Kim? Am I worth having a dangerous affair with?
-- Oh my god.
January 11, 2015
If someone told you that meditation was the way out of all your troubles, that it could bring you anything you wanted, that it could balance your uneven, chaotic life and you had all the time in the world to do it, would you, meditate?
January 12, 2015
Look, if your wife wants you to dress up in a bunny suit for sex, as I see it, you have two choices: do it or don't. However, if she asks you to roll around in peanut butter, motor oil, petroleum jelly or a dumpster, you might then realize that a man has his limits, even for sex. Or not.
January 13, 2015
I posed for pictures with some tourists who clearly thought I was someone else. They kept saying a name I never heard of, a celebrity in their country I suppose, they didn't speak much English. Anyway, they're making a fuss over me so I played along, blushed demurely, feigned that I wasn't that important, took the photos, smiled graciously and walked away knowing that soon I will be their brush-with-fame-and-the-pictures-to-prove-it vacation story. At least until the rest of Twitter and Facebook says I am not the celebrity they thought I was and it all falls apart.
January 14, 2015
For the first time ever, the wife of Barry Chevette, inventor of the world's largest espresso machine, speaks out.
"My Barry is a dreamer. It all started when Barry's aunt Ginny died and left him a whole bunch of steel and pipes and stuff and it was piled all over everywhere so I couldn't hardly even get to the washer and dryer in the basement. One morning I ran out of coffee and patience and started yelling at Barry about all of Ginny's crap everywhere when in a pique he announced that all right he was going to build the biggest badass coffee machine on the planet if for nothing else but to shut me up. And he did! Of course I was just as thankful we hadn't run out of bacon. I don't even want to imagine what kind of machine he would have invented for that. You know?"
January 15, 2015
She was owed $10,000 for some contract work with big business. The company made an error and sent her a check for a million dollars. She cashed it and went on a spending spree. The company discovered their mistake and asked for the money back. When she didn't give it to them, they sued. She skipped the country, was caught, extradited and imprisoned. There was a sensational trial with the nation's media slobbering overtime about it. She was sentenced to the Big House. On the first day of incarceration, she died. Her heart gave out. Her family sued big business claiming they had killed her. That trial too was a sensation, but it dragged on and eventually even greed, fraud, flight, two electrifying trials and a jailhouse death were not enough to keep the media interested, and it moved on to tout some other inanity. That's the way things are today.
January 16, 2015
I see all these Bush revisionists trying to reshape his legacy. Bush was a heinous little twerp. Let's not forget this, ok?
January 17, 2015
I watched a program with a whole bunch of "experts" weighing in on a subject. What a pack of ninnies. Out of the lot, only one guy was credible. He was sincere and knowledgeable, a man among boys. The best part was his voice. When he opened his mouth, soothing, mellifluous tones emanated and made everything he said sound full of gravitas and bearing. His words brimmed with importance, and he knew what he was talking about. He easily saved the show. Otherwise I would have been forced to, I dunno, write a letter. Who knows what I might have said? No, it's better this way.
January 19, 2015
I was downtown last night and saw a homeless man and his dog huddled up by the side of a building trying to stay warm in the below freezing temperatures. I had a folded flannel blanket inside our truck. I stopped and gave it to the man and his dog. I also gave him the last 10 dollars in my wallet. Though I may feel for the homeless man, my generosity was on behalf of the dog.
He didn't have a gun. He didn't have a badge. All he had was the hat, a crazy short tie and a little man's complex, but as Cecil himself would tell you, "No one's getting any of them pictures while Cecil is on guard." However, the priceless marble desk was stolen from under his nose while Cecil was abusing his power admonishing a 6'3" man who had sneezed in the direction of the pictures.
January 22, 2015
I'm standing in line behind a nefarious looking man at an ATM. Using the machine is an older fellow who is having trouble getting it to work. Frustrated, he turns around and asks the dastardly looking dude in front of me if he can help. The criminal asks the old man for his pin number. The felon punches it in and when the screen pops up, he clicks to see the balance in the account. The old man says, "I want to take out $50 dollars." The malefactor completes the ATM transaction and gives the old man his money and card. Now to my ear, the machine took an awfully long time counting out fifty bucks; sounded more like counting out hundreds. My suspicions were justified when instead of using the ATM because it was now his turn, the opportunistic evildoer just turned and walked out of the building. People, how many times do I have to say this? Never give your pin number to a probable assassin! Jeez.
January 23, 2015
Grrrr, incompetence frosts my cake. If someone is ill suited to be where they are, doing what they're doing, and I have to deal with them, grrrr. You can be stupid, you can be ignorant, you can be incompetent, just don't expect me to be happy about it. Don't.
January 24, 2015
I was celebrating this morning. I was sitting on my couch watching the tube as The Ohio State Buckeyes celebrated winning their 8th National College Football Championship. I, along with the 50,000 students and alumni inside The Horseshoe stadium at Ohio State, whistled and gave a hoot. During the four years I went to Ohio State, we also won a National Championship. Watching these festivities was a redux of my youth. Sweet. Go Bucks.
January 25, 2015
There's too much paperwork in this world. I'm sick of it. How much should one individual be expected to put up with? Bloody paperwork, I'm sick of it, I've had my fill. Surely many of you feel the same way. As a collective, maybe it's time we stood up to the paper pushers of the world who make us deal with so much of it and we say, NO MORE! Come on, who's with me!
-- Now that it's done, what do you think of the house, Mary?
-- John, it's so...so...green.
-- I knew you'd love it! Look, a high ceiling, just like you wanted!
-- There are no windows.
-- Yes, yes.
-- It's a box. You want me to live in a box.
-- Our box, Mary! Come, come inside, I know you'll love it!
-- But John, it's so dark in here.
-- I call that romantic.
-- But I can't even see where you are.
-- Yes, yes.
-- Where is the kitchen?
-- Right in the middle! It's the heart of the box.
-- What are these things on the floor - roots?
-- Yes, yes.
-- What? Where's the bath?
-- No need for one. Just use the floor.
-- What? Wait, John, there are no walls. It's all plants.
-- The whole building is one giant plant! We're living inside a plant, Mary!
-- And that's so great because...?
-- I call it The Cube-A-Tarium.
-- We could get divorced over this.
-- It's a house that anyone can grow! You can't get any greener than that, Mary. It shields you from the wind, and the sun and most of the rain, and it's so private.
-- You mean primitive.
-- Oh, Mary.
-- Oh, John.
January 27, 2015
I'm at a function where I meet an ugly little rumpled guy with dirty fingernails who is flanked by two beautiful women. The filthy troll introduces them as his wives, which frankly, is rather hard to believe. Later, I ask a mutual friend if the repulsive little reptile really has two goddess-like wives. My friend says that the tall striking brunette is his legally married wife and the tall leggy blond is their girlfriend. Wow, other people's lives.
January 28, 2015
He was a jerk and she was shrill. They were a mean spirited couple. They belittled. They cheated. They never played fair. All it had gotten them was a mansion, a half dozen cars and a share in a Gulfstream IV. They were rich, but despised. One day they needed help from strangers, but their reputation preceded them, and no help was given. Someone died that day. The one left had only money to cry on, and a lesson to learn: You reap what you sow.
January 29, 2015
I'm having a disagreement with an editor when to bolster his claim, he starts spouting bible quotes as justification for his cuts. Say what? When he launches into some parable about how the bible was edited, I thrust and parry for a while but you can't argue with religious fervor. Eventually I say, Look, do what you want with the piece. Satisfy yourself. By all means, satisfy Jesus. My dripping sarcasm was lost as he looked warmly at me and stated humbly, Thank you. Jesus thanks you. Gak.
January 30, 2015
Don't just stand there. When called to action, you must either respond or refuse, but you must make a conscious decision. If you just stand there, then you are saying by default that you're refusing the call to action, even though that may not be your intention, perhaps because you're slow, and things take a while to sink in, I don't know. The thing is, conscious decisions are the ones that propel your life in differing directions, and they are the ones in which you get to call the shots. You can't just stand there and act as if a choice has not been offered. To do so is to abdicate control of your actions. And that would be silly.
January 31, 2015
We're one full month into a brand new year. 11/12ths to go. Congratulations to everyone who has made it this far.