KeithSpeak - August 2011

 

 

 

August 1, 2011
If you could walk out of your life today, leave it all behind, start over, become anyone you want, anywhere you want, would you? Now if you had this conversation with your barber, no sweat. Worse comes to worse he embraces the idea, jumps ship, and someone else cuts your hair. But I was having this discussing with our accountant - and he seemed rather keen on the vanishing/starting over idea. A little too much so if you get my drift. I think I saw the light bulb go on for him. I think I may have done a bad thing. 
 
August 2, 2011
Have a nice day, eh.
 
August 3, 2011
A Random Question from our Q and A
 
Tell us a joke.
Integrity in politics.
 
August 4, 2011
It's a group picture of people gathered at a trailhead about to start a 15 mile hike into the mountains. One woman is wearing flip flops. Another is in a dress. A guy in the back is sporting a Batman costume. I guess if they get lost and run out of food and have to eat each other to survive, it won't be hard to tell who will be consumed first, second and third.
 
August 5, 2011
It was hot so I took the dogs to the lake yesterday. They got mobbed. You'd think that no one had ever seen Alaskan malamutes at the beach before. I might as well have been there with Rihanna for all the bloody attention we got. Sigh.
 
August 6, 2011
Ronnie and Howie at the Zeppelin Dealership
 
Ronnie: I like it and all, cool graphics - love that star - but how do you fit it in your garage?
Howie: Me and my wife have been wrestling for weeks with, Do we get an RV or a zeppelin? RV or a zeppelin? I just don't know!
Salesman: Relax boys. All you have to do is let the air out of the thing and it folds up smaller than a pack of ciggies. Heck, the wife and I take ours camping all the time. We actually pity those poor people in their RVs, stuck on the ground, while we're floating free up in the clouds with the cool breezes and the awesome views. Sometimes, just to drive the RVers crazy, we drop water balloons, firecrackers, and even bombs from this baby. Heh heh, they look like little ants running away from their burning campers.
Howie: That was you?!  
Ronnie: Does it take much to pilot one of these things?
Howie: Yeah, I'm a little bit worried about that too.
Salesman: Common question, gents. Trust me, it's just like driving a car, only bigger. And remember, there's nothing to hit when you're in mid-air!
Ronnie: Birds.
Howie: Tall buildings and mountains.
Salesman: Boys, boys, you're getting yourselves all worked up about the negative. Chill. This is a zeppelin, not a jet fighter. This thing cruises. Listen, you pour a martini, you put the steering wheel between your legs and you glide in style while chatting with your friends and family in a spacious, well appointed gondola while everybody on the ground is looking up wishing they were you. And just as an aside, wink wink, nudge nudge, the gals really go for a guy with a big zeppelin, if you get my drift and I think you do. So if the wives raise a ruckus and the zepp causes a divorce, heck, you're all set for a swinging new lifestyle.
Ronnie: I think I'll take one.
Howie: Me too.
Salesman: Wise choice, boys. And you're getting in at the right time. These things are about to explode.
 
August 7, 2011
For those of you curious about our new social network and it's impending release, I'm happy to say that we are priming for an August launch of VideoPenPals.net, and as soon as we apply the finishing touches on our Android app, all will be ready to present to the world. Oh boy. Imagine that.
 
August 8, 2011
I had just pulled into a parking spot and was getting out when a woman wheeled her car into the space right next to mine and almost took me out in the process. Her front fender missed me by inches. Then she smacked the bumper of the car parked in front of her, hurriedly got out and scurried to the mall. She never looked at the car she hit, the guy she just missed or anything else as she dashed inside. Well, I never. I went and completed my errands and upon my return saw that her car was gone, but that she had left a note on the back window of the vehicle she had smashed. It said, I'm sorry for hitting your car, I had to go to the bathroom real bad. I have Crohn's disease. Signed, Irma. Jeez, Irma.
 
August 9, 2011
All her friends said he was wooden, quiet and cold. Her BFF Ginny couldn't believe she had fallen for the stiff! But she didn't care. She loved the big lug, respected his stoicism, greatly admired his generous proportions and felt comforted by his masculinity. She knew that despite the unconventional nature of their love, it would last forever, and nearly did, until his demise at the hands of some chainsaw wielding miscreants in need of firewood. She still pines for him.
 
August 10, 2011
A while ago I was contacted by a company that wanted a series of commercials written for their flagship product. They were undergoing a rebranding of sorts and thought that some funny, creative spots would get them the public notice they desired. We talked about the project, including my fees, but I never heard from them again. Yesterday, I saw the first ad in their new campaign. Clunky, unfunny and creepy came to mind. It was so bad that I thought it must be a parody. Clearly, they should have hired me.
 
August 11, 2011
An acquaintance went to a wedding and was shocked at what she saw. The dresses, the food, the venue, they were all fine. It was the bride and groom. They were, she said, the ugliest people she had ever seen. Worse, according to her, both their families were ugly to the bone, and even though she felt like a beauty queen among the trolls, said that everyone's looks made her feel sad and sorry for the lot of them. She completely lost her appetite. She didn't dance. It was hard, she pouted.
 
August 12, 2011
A Random Question from our Q and A
 
I went out with a guy from Australia. I couldn't understand a word he said, but the sex was great. Are all Australians impossible to understand but great in bed?
Yes. Every single one of them.
 
August 13, 2011
Dreaming like a fool last night. The dogs were restless so I was up and down multiple times. Each resettle brought on more vivid dreams. I woke up this morning with the distinct feeling that I wasn't who I thought I was and if I could only remember my dreams, I'd know why. But of course, dreams fade like vapors. Seems I'm stuck with me. Drat?
 
August 14, 2011
“I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me,
I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”
 Mark Twain
 
August 15, 2011
You know what's depressing? Watching a depressed person run. It's obvious they're just not giving it their all. And why would a depressed person enter a race? Does that even make sense? Am I the only one wondering about these things?
 
August 16, 2011
Not one but two anomalous things happened - both at the same time. Standing at our front door was an honest to god door to door salesman selling, get this, fish. He pulled a 5 ton reefer truck into our driveway, knocked on our door and offered me fish. Anomaly #1. #2? He is smoking. He has a burning cigarette in his mouth that he doesn't even bother to remove as he gives me his sales pitch. I am mesmerized by the flapping cigarette. If this were in black and white I'd swear it was 1940.  My god, a smoking door to door fish salesman.
 
August 17, 2011
Out of town, driving around in the hills with a local, he points out a spectacular house. He tells me a bit about it, even mentioning the architect. We drive on a little further and he points to a ramshackle hovel. House of said architect, he informs me. I couldn't believe that the guy who designed that beautiful place just down the road lives in this squalid craphole. How is that even possible?
 
August 18, 2011
Cold.
 
August 19, 2011
The lights on my router have been blinking green from day one. Last night, all were silent, yet I was still connected to the Net and the unit was still functioning. This morning, all the lights were back on. After a lot of soul searching and rational thinking, the only sane conclusion I can reach is that aliens have been messing with my router. What?
 
August 20, 2011
To bolster my aliens-have-been-pranking-me theory, I think I saw a UFO last night. I can't be sure that's what it was, but given my trick playing router lights, it makes perfect sense. Yessss, it's all coming together now.
 
August 22, 2011
           No one knew where the stranger was from, but they all knew he wasn't like them.
 
August 23, 2011
On a whim I decided to see how many pieces of gum I could stuff into my mouth at one time. Sure it was an infantile gesture but I'm not above such things. I'm happy to report I could chew 13 pieces until the sugar release was so intense that I had to stop. That and my jaw felt like it was broken. And my temples hurt. Other than that, there's really not much more to say about the whole exercise.
 
August 24, 2011
If you measure the distance between where you currently are and where you'd like to be, is it far? How do you shorten the space between you now and that future better self? The answer is to know thyself. Recognize what ideas, notions and beliefs constitute your current world view. When you examine what you believe and why you believe it, altering those beliefs to usher in a newer, different version of yourself becomes much more likely to actually happen. So really, self-examination is the ticket to a better you. Is too.
 
August 25, 2011
You're all up in the clouds about how great something is going and how the possibilities are endless and then you find out that the something you thought was happening, wasn't, actually, happening, and instead, a terrible thing had taken its place and was corrupting everything, including how you felt about being in the clouds and all. The only proper response is, of course, panic. A far cry from the state you were in only moments ago, when ignorance was truly bliss. Vicissitudes, my friends.
 
August 26, 2011
 
No one knew where the strangers were from, but all agreed there was something familiar about them.  
 
August 27, 2011
It stands to reason that no sane person would want to wrestle alligators, juggle chainsaws, or eat glass. And yet people do. Supposedly sane people. 'Splain that Rickey.
 
August 28, 2011
At 6 in the morning I was taking the recycling up to the top of our driveway for pickup when an ice cream truck came down the road. As it passed, the driver, disheveled and tired looking, waved to me and dinged the bell. I assumed he had just spent the night with someone and was returning home a little worse for wear. I wondered if she was embarrassed to have an ice cream truck parked in front of her house all night, or if she was bemused to find her lover was an ice cream vendor with a cute little bell? Idle thoughts.
 
August 29, 2011
Well, we launched our new Android app, Vmail - Free Video Mail, into the Android Market this weekend.
If you have an Android phone, what say you? Give it a whirl?
 
August 30, 2011
A Random Question from our Q and A
 
My wife is from Italy and scares me. When we got married, I lied a little and told her that Tuscaloosa was just like Rome. Now that she lives here, she hates Alabama and calls me Liar Johnny. She belittles me in front of my friends who think she's hot but dangerous. Her temper is off the hook. She curses in Italian and throws anything she can get her hands on. Once, when we were having sex, she threatened to kill me for bringing her to Alabama. I'm pretty sure we'll get divorced. I know this isn't a question or anything, but I just wanted to let you know.  
Er, thanks for the heads up?
 
August 31, 2011
"So I've decided to be a very rich and famous person who doesn't really care about money, and who is very humble but who still makes a lot of money and is very famous, but is very humble and rich and famous."   Charles Schulz
 

 
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