She was skipping down the street. Skipping! For real. She looked to be 29, maybe 32, and she was actually skipping like she was in a peanut butter commercial and happily animated squirrels were dancing alongside her with their delicious peanut butter sandwiches in hand. The unbridled joy! See, to skip, you pretty much have to be happy about something. Otherwise, you don't skip. You sure as hell don't skip.
April 2, 2025
At a street corner, overheard a woman talking to her small dog.
-- Now listen, Charles, when I say stop, you have to stop. Ok? We on the same page? All right, let's try this again. Charles, stop. Nooooo, Charles. You don't keep walking away. How many times do we have to go over this? It's like the whole housebreaking nightmare all over again. You just don't listen. Maybe I should have your hearing checked. Maybe something is wrong. No wait, all I have to do is touch the dog food bag and you come running. No, your hearing is fine. Charles. Over here. Focus. Look at my hand. This means stop. If I hold it up like this, it means Charles, stop. Ok? Now, watch my hand. Charles...stop. Charles! Stop! Quit walking! I told you to stop, my hand was up, what's wrong with you? All right, let's work on sit, see if you can manage that...
April 4, 2025
He was nervous. It was a first date and she had been shy about her looks (her profile pic was her dog). Not sure what to expect, he parked the car, checked his armpits for sweat, blew into his cupped hands to see if his breath was dank, looked one last time at his hair in the rear view mirror and walked toward the house. Before he could knock, the door swung open and her mother said, Greetings, you must be Roy! Oh my god she was a knockout. He was stupefied by how hot her mother was. He didn't say a word but he did immediately start to sweat. Mom grabbed his arm and pulled him into the house. He had to fight an erection. If the daughter looked anything like her mother... His date appeared and she too was beautiful, too beautiful for words, too beautiful for him, way out of his league, and he knew right off it could never be between them. Women who look like that do not go for guys that look like him. This was depressing news. He was standing between two gorgeous women and all he wanted to do was flee. It was like they were dancing to Bruno Mars but all he could hear was Leonard Cohen. He lost whatever confidence he had about himself because he knew that as soon as they stepped outside together, every guy will stare at her beauty, and then look at him and think, What is she doing with him? He had already sweated too much, not said a word since he arrived, and knew he couldn't spend any more time with this stunning creature or her ravishing mother so he said, I'm sorry, turned around and hustled out the door. Mom was surprised. The daughter was confused. Only he knew the sadness of what could never be. Something undeniable and true doesn't make the melancholy go away, Roy cried to himself on his lonely drive home.
April 5, 2025
Some of you said Roy was an idiot. Some of you said walking away from a date with a beautiful girl means Roy never deserved her, and clearly, the girl and her mother were lucky that Roy bailed because he wasn't worthy. Some of you gave credit to Roy for realizing he was in over his head and left before something, anything bad could happen. Most of you wanted to know if I had pics of the mother and daughter. Was she still looking to date? Was the Mom as hot as Roy said? Was she available. My readers, curious, questioning, in it for themselves. Yea team?
April 7, 2025
I had been renewing a domain name for almost two decades and when it came time again, I decided it wasn't needed anymore. Before the final date, I had received 2 emails from the registrar reminding me of its impending expiry. After I let it slip, I have now gotten 8 more e-mails saying it's still available and have I rethought my rash decision to let it go, because I could still get it, they're holding it for me, all I have to do is give the word, fork over the cash and it's mine again, etc., etc. I gotta say, harassing someone after the fact is a terrible business model. It's just so...desperate.
April 8, 2025
Overheard a young couple on the street.
-- Listen to Miss High and Holy! Who are you to judge me?!
-- I'm your girlfriend, remember?
-- Oh yeah. Yeah. Ok. Ok. Nevermind.
-- Did you take your pills this morning?
April 9, 2025
I set up a Wi-Fi router in someone's home and when it came time for the SSID, I asked her what she wanted to call her network. She thought about it but couldn't decide right then so I named it Undecided and told her I would change it when she came up with a name she liked. That was 5 months ago. I ran into her in town today and asked if she ever renamed her network. "Nope. I'm still undecided so it shall remain Undecided." Okay. "You know what my mother said to me when she visited and I told her to log onto Undecided? She said, 'I hope you never have kids or they won't have names until they're teenagers.' Can you believe that?" I could. "My own mother!" Yup. "She said I dither!" Okay then, Undecided it is. Toodles.
April 10, 2025
I'm being trolled by Betty from Mobile. She says that she lives "right on the Gulf of America and it's hot as hell here so there's no goddamn way Canada has summer way up north there and it's obvious as hell that the country has been lyin' to turists for years." She added, "I guarantee you it's a land of snow and ice 24-7. They're at the damn North Pole! Santa ain't wearin' no damn bathing suit!" Then for good measure she piled on a few more worn tropes - "We know y'all live in igloos and eat polar bear meat. Yer savages!" Well Betty, American ignorance about Canada is nothing new, southern ignorance is certainly nothing new, but perhaps a little schooling for the uneducated?
This is Canoe Beach, a mile from my house. Does this look like we don't have Summer? Oh, by the way, you live on the Gulf of Mexico.
April 11, 2025
They were at the trail head when he looked at his phone and saw that it was at 7%.
-- I can't go.
-- What? Why not?
-- My phone will be dead and then we won't have any way to contact anyone when we're in trouble.
-- Jesus Jacob, we're just going on a hike. In the city.
-- Alana, the weather could turn freaky, it could get cold and snow or you could fall in a ravine and break your legs.
-- Break my legs? What if I push you over a cliff and listen to you scream all the way down?
-- Yes, emergencies. That's what I'm talking about. My phone will be dead, and perhaps us too.
-- Why did you say I would fall in a ravine? Are you planning on pushing me into a ravine?
-- What? No. I just don't feel safe without my phone.
-- Smartphones have been around for what, 35 years? But civilization is thousands of years old, Jacob. Horrors, what did they do without their cell phones? How did they survive?
-- They had swords and magic.
-- Why don't you just go on home and charge your little safety net while I enjoy a lovely walk by myself. Pick me up in an hour.
-- Just an hour? Heck, Alana, at 7% the phone should last a couple of hours.
-- If you turn it off, it will last all day.
-- But what about an emergency?
-- Then you turn it back on. Oh look, it's still at 7%.
-- Huh, I hadn't thought of that.
-- Yeah, I noticed.
-- Wait, if I turn it off, I won't know how far we walked, what my heart rate was, how many steps I took and-
-- Pick me up in an hour, Jacob.
-- Ok, maybe it's better this way. Then I can be your safety net.
-- I don't need a safety net, Jacob.
-- Alana, if you don't return in 1 hour I shall alert the authorities.
-- Gawd.
-- Safety first.
-- Yeah, whatever.
April 12, 2025
If you've lived past the age of say, 50, and you still don't know what the hell is going on, is that an issue? Should it be? At this point have you been curious enough to examine anything about your life? Or are you just winging it day to day, taking what comes, battling. Do you see this as something to address, change, ignore or continue pretending it isn't as strange and impossible as it seems. Look, you don't find old people on their deathbed saying, Gee, I have no idea how I got here. They know. They lived it. They created it. They know exactly how they got where they are. Shouldn't you? Before your deathbed?
April 13, 2025
I was thinking about this because our power was out due to a blown transformer and the Internet went to sleep for 4 hours. It was so quiet; no chatter, no trolls, no icky interactions with anonymous cretins. I mean really, before the Web, did we have any idea how many messed up, ill informed, stupid people there are in the world? There was no way to know, right? Now we do. There's tons of 'em. And they can all be found posting rubbish on the Net. Egalitarian? Perhaps. Annoying? 100%. What if they had to pass a test before being allowed on the Interwebs? Hmm, Question 1.) Is anything you're going to say have the possibility of annoying Keith? And so on. Come on, who's with me!
April 14, 2025
I shudder to think how much less my life would have been without the dogs and cats that have become a part of it. I miss the ones that are no longer here and revel in the ones who are. My life is good, but they made it rich.
April 15, 2025
Overheard the end of Chris and Bonita.
-- Chris, I've about had it with you! You're driving me nuts. So much cringe, Chris.
-- Now listen to me, Bonita, I am in no way going to stand for that kind of talk. Maybe in your country-
-- My country? Oh, now you're a racist too, Chris?
-- Bonita, let's face facts. You are an immigrant. I'm a native-
-- No Chris, you were born here, aboriginals are the natives. Cultural appropriation and more racism. Does it never end with you, Chris?
-- Bonita, I'm done being your punching bag. I can't do anything right with you. Maybe we should stop seeing each other and you can just go back to where you came...from.
-- What! Chris, did you just actually tell me to go back to my country? You racist pig racist pig. Oh hell yes, Chris, we're done.
-- I'm not a racist, Bonita.
-- Oh, but you are. Lose my number, loser.
April 16, 2025
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stupid is as stupid does.
The Orange Cheeto shakes his empty head knowingly.
April 17, 2025
I keep getting asked why I haven't made my site more phone friendly. Google has pestered me numerous times to fix it. They've even offered to do it for me, like I'm somehow letting them down. They didn't say this but they basically said I'm quirky, stubborn, intractable, too lazy to recode it with bigger type and other such speculations. Oh, Google. The truth is, I could fix it but that would just be one more thing I have to do and I already have a lot of things I have to do. So I'm going to do those other things instead of this. Mkay?
April 19, 2025
So I'm explaining to an American about the Canadian Parliament when after a bit he stops me and says, I don't get it. What's to get? He says, You haven't mentioned George Clinton once. George Clinton, the funk meister? Yeah, he says, if I'm talking about his band The Parliaments, why have I not mentioned Clinton once? Uh, I'm talking about a form of government, not a funk band. Oh, he says. Could the difference between Canadians and Americans be just simple misunderstandings?
April 20, 2025
How many Americans are even aware that Canada at this very moment is involved in a federal election for our next Prime Minister? In Canada, when an election is called there are a mere 36 days in which candidates can run. 36 days! Then we vote. Meanwhile America has to endure years and years of political imbeciles lying, preening, pandering and grifting over and over and over. Like that's gonna produce quality instead of fatigue. This is evidenced by what they ended up with - a lying, vain, 80 year old 5th grader with the brains of a chipmunk, 34 criminal felony convictions, 5,000 lawsuits, 6 bankruptcies and a history of flagrant stupidity. And he's orange!, like that's ever been a good thing.
April 21, 2025
A husband and wife on their couch.
-- Francis, if aliens landed in the backyard and wanted to take you for a joy ride. Would you go?
-- Are they cute?
-- What does that have to do with it?
-- I'm not just going to go joyriding with some ugly ass aliens. I got standards, Bernard.
-- You married me so I'd say that statement is up for debate.
-- Har har, but you're right, I should have taken a hard pass on Bernard Dolittle. Ah, live and learn. Second husband, things will be different.
-- Har har, but you're also right. You could have done better.
-- Would you go?
-- With the aliens? No, because that ship would have to be radioactive coming from space and I don't want to die of radiation poisoning years later.
-- Ok, new one. I'm cleaning out the basement-
-- Yeah, like that will ever happen!
-- I'm cleaning out the basement and come across a small ornate oil lamp. It's so unusual I bring it upstairs to ask you about it. But because it's been down in the clutter, it's dirty, so you rub it and holy shit a genie pops out. You got 3 wishes, Bernard, what are they?
-- The obvious thing is to wish for an unlimited number of wishes.
-- Genie says you can't do that.
-- Um, I dunno, Francis, a new car?
-- You want a new car when you can have anything? Anything! Are you daft? Jesus, Bernard.
-- Well what would you wish for?
-- Hot aliens with a fabulous spaceship, and the radioactive thing isn't an issue. Wouldn't you want to joyride the universe?! Next would be paying off the mortgage, the car loan, the credit cards, our student loans and still have a couple of million left over. Lastly would be great health for the rest of our lives.
-- Well those are worthy wishes, Francis. But I've decided that a new, fancy wife, a castle in Europe and some supercars are my 3 wishes.
-- You're a pig.
-- Ok, new game. At 3 in the morning there is a knock on the door. A stranger is on the other side. What does he want from you? What do you do?
-- That's easy. I'd let them in and have sex with whomever it is because I will be so horny after denying you for the next few weeks because, as I said, Bernard, you're a pig, that I would do anybody at any time male or female.
-- That's alarming, Francis.
-- I have my desires, Bernard.
-- See, this is why I wanted a fancy new wife.
-- Oh, wait, did I say weeks? I meant months.
-- Ok, new game.
-- No more games, Bernard. No more.
April 22, 2025
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I am in some big time trouble. I am on the run and I could use a little advice. I'm not going to tell you what they want me for, but a freak accident happened in broad daylight downtown resulting in someone's demise. Now I have read your stuff off and on for years and I want to know what you think about this: If you accidentally, um, kill someone - by accident, nothing staged, nothing pre-planned, nothing pre-meditated - but you have no proof to back up your claim and given the circumstances, from the outside looking in, it could seem as if, well, you know, as if it was murder. Which it wasn't. But there were no witnesses, at least no one coming forth to back my story, and now the cops are looking for me. Do you have any ideas that might help in this situation?
Signed,
I am not a murderer
Dear Not,
If this happened downtown, there must be CCTV and security cameras on those buildings. If so, perhaps recorded footage can bolster your claim of a freak accident? Most folks think that CCTV recordings can only be accessed by the police, but this is what AI had to say about it:
Yes, individuals have the right to request access to CCTV footage where they are captured.
This right is based on privacy laws, ensuring transparency and individual control over their personal information.
Organizations using CCTV are generally obligated to provide access to this footage upon request,
often free of charge, within a specified time frame.
Hope you can find corroborating footage to confirm your story.
Keith
April 23, 2025
What do you use your imagination for? If you're creative, in the arts, then you know exactly how to use your imagination. But what of those who work in a cubicle, droning away at a job they could do in their sleep and staying because it's a paycheck and they don't have to learn anything new? Is that you? How then do you exercise your imagination? Do you have engrossing hobbies? Special interests? Elaborate fantasies? Just curious.
April 24, 2025
Overheard a producer and a director discussing an actor.
-- Can you get more emotion out of him?
--That's not his character. He's playing it close to the vest. He shows a poker face to everything in his life. He's an enigma.
-- Poker schmoker. Get him to give me some reaction to what the hell is going on around him.
-- Jim, look, I'm directing this picture and I appreciate the notes but-
-- How can I sell a dour, emotionless, robot like performance as an exciting movie to watch? Wake up, Carl, your making a bomb and it's gonna blow up in our faces.
-- He is giving a beautiful, subtle performance, Jim.
-- Goddamnit, I don't want subtle! I want bombastic.
-- This isn't the movie for that. This is a character driven study of-
-- Character schmaracter, I put a lot of money into this, Carl, and I want my money's worth.
-- Don't worry, Jim. You'll get what you're looking for. Just let me finish making it.
-- We could still replace him with someone more expressive.
-- No.
-- He better liven up, that's all I can say.
-- Don't worry, Jim. We'll both be proud in the end.
-- For your sake, Carl, I hope you're right.
April 25, 2025
He was trying to discipline his 2 children but he couldn't understand what they were saying.
-- Dad's got no cap.
-- No drip.
-- No rizz.
-- All flex.
He had no idea how to respond.
April 26, 2025
When you're young, you never think about being 80. When you're 80, you seldom think about your youth. In between is the rest of your life.
April 28, 2025
Canada votes today. Elbows up.
April 29, 2025
I was asked by an American friend why I liked Canada so gosh darned much. I sent him a list that in no particular order read:
A Liberal government headed by an intelligent man.
Free health care. 100% free. No premiums, not hidden costs, no outrageous insurance requirements, no costs period. FREE HEALTH CARE!
Legal pot.
Some of the most incredible, fabulous, mind bending, world class scenery on the planet. From the east to the north to the west, we have it all.
The literal size of our country and the relatively few people in it.
We don't feel the need to be the police of the world, interject ourselves into every conflict or support a bloated military at the expense of social and educational programs.
Our air is clear, our waters are pristine, our natural resources are plentiful.
There is a social net for everyone.
People are kind, sincere and when we say sorry, we mean it.
He wrote back and said, Yeah, you might have all that but you don't have Trump. Well thank fucking goodness for that, eh.
