Overheard a young girl and her mother at the bank.
-- Mama, what are those things?
-- What things?
-- In the ceiling. Those round things sticking out.
-- Oh, those are security cameras, Sharma.
-- Are they watching us?
-- Yes, dear.
-- Mama, why are we being watched?
-- They're looking for bad people.
-- But we didn't do anything bad. I don't like being watched.
-- We're in a bank. They need them for security.
-- Make them stop!
-- You can't turn them off, Sharma. What's the big deal?
-- I DON'T LIKE BEING WATCHED!
-- Calm down.
-- Look at how many there are!
She does a 360, giving the entire ceiling the finger.
-- Sharma, stop that!
-- I want them to stop watching me!
-- Sharma, it's 2025, there are cameras everywhere. Get used to it.
-- Never!
-- Holy shit.
May 2, 2025
If you dream that you are going to do something big in your life but it doesn't pan out that way, do you make excuses for what didn't happen, or do you look at what did transpire and find an alternative value in that? For example: people will say they want to win the lottery. But their dream is actually to have the lottery money, not literally to win the lottery itself. They would be just as happy to have money come from any other source; but for one whose goal is to win the lottery, there is no other way to do that but win the lottery. Capish?
May 3, 2025
Amazingly, he was still using a Windows 95 computer. He bought it new in the Fall of 1995 and up until this morning, it did everything he needed a computer to do. But his 30 year old machine croaked at 8:17AM when the adhesive holding the CPU to the heat sink gave way, the CPU overheated and burned up, killing the ancient computer. Even though on paper he had been computing for 30 years, in reality, he hadn't kept up with anything digital, so like any neophyte venturing into modern computing, a painful learning curve was coming up. Hmm, will there ever be a stage when the last computer you'll ever need is really the last computer you'll ever need?
May 5, 2025
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
COUNT VICTOR
Jesus, this stress is killing me.
EDDIE
What stress?
COUNT VICTOR
The one that's turning my hair gray and me mean.
EDDIE
Stress? But you're a Count!
COUNT VICTOR
Ha ha, you're such a joker, Eddie. Not too bright either. Counts are people too.
EDDIE
But what's got you so stressed out?
COUNT VICTOR
Stress stress! Is there any other kind?
EDDIE
I don't know, is there?
COUNT VICTOR
Are you the dumbest employee I've ever had? Snap out of it.
EDDIE
Whatever you say, boss.
COUNT VICTOR
Oh Eddie, you said that with no conviction whatsoever.
Wait, have you...have you never experienced stress?
EDDIE
It makes you uptight, right?
COUNT VICTOR
Great Scot, you're an idiot, how have you led a stress free life?
EDDIE
I got no responsibilities, I drink a lot and I'm not married.
COUNT VICTOR
And you're an idiot. Now it makes sense. Anyway, it doesn't help me.
EDDIE
I wasn't trying to help you. So what are you so stressed about, Count?
COUNT VICTOR
My life. All of it. Every bit of it.
EDDIE
Oh.
COUNT VICTOR
Yeah.
May 6, 2025
Have you ever been somewhere during a holdup? I was on a cross country trip at a gas station late one night filling my truck when a car pulled up to the convenience store and two fellows walked into the building and robbed it. But there must have been an alarm triggered because the police came screeching up before they got away. There was a very tense exchange as both parties swore allegiance to themselves. I'm just pumping away thinking that if this were the movies, someone would start shooting about now. Suddenly, all the gas station lights went off. The pump shut down and reset to zero even though the nozzle was still in my tank. It was pitch black on the lot and in the store. It was both creepy and surreal because in the dark the coppers were still yelling at the robbers to come out of the store while the robbers were telling them to get bent, in so many words. This was back in the day when you had to pay for your gas inside, not at the pump. How was I going to do that? Just then two more police cars came speeding in. I could see the headline now, Innocent bystander shot by overzealous cops (or robbers with bad aim). Yeah, no. So I got in my truck and continued on with my cross country trip, unshot, with a little free gas and an evening's worth of drama.
Moral of the story? There's real life and there's the movies. Be discerning.
May 7, 2025
She was an emergency room doc and after a grueling 24 hour shift, went home to rest but got abducted by aliens instead. She told them she was an expert on the human body and could assist them with anything they wanted to know as long as they'd let her go back to sleep. The aliens were intrigued by her offer to share her knowledge so they hooked her up to their brain sucking machine and pulled out everything that was inside her head - family traumas, cheating boyfriends, medical failures and successes, sexual fantasies, money issues, etc. When they were done she felt refreshed, lighter. She was no longer carrying around so much baggage. It actually felt great. When she woke up in her bed, it was time to go to work again. If only she could remember what she did, who she was, where she worked. Uh...
May 8, 2025
Stood in line for 18 minutes this morning.
Was on a phone call hold for 35 minutes after that.
I waited for a text or e-mail for 2 hours before calling them again and getting put on hold for another 20 minutes.
Went to a doctor appointment on time but he was 25 minutes late.
Finished a bunch of timely work e-mails and sent them out only to find our ISP mail servers were down for maintenance and nothing would be delivered until tomorrow.
The evening meal I made was supposed to take "12 minutes at the most!". It took 2 hours.
My whole day has been filled with wasted time. Sing it boys.
Well baby, there you stand
With your little head down in your hand
Oh my God, you can't believe it's happening again
You never thought you'd be alone
This far down the line
But I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time.
The Eagles
May 10, 2025
She had a fetish for cheeseballs. Her fridge was chock full of them. She ate them at all meals and wouldn't eat anywhere that didn't have them readily available.
Her mother: I never gave her a single cheeseball growing up! Where did this fixation come from? She turns 12 and suddenly asks for cheeseballs at every meal! It was nuts!
Her father: We thought she'd grow out of it. Look, I don't see anything wrong with a good cheeseball every now and then. But she is obsessive about them. I'm no nutritionist, but too much cheese is not good for anyone, right?
Her boyfriend: Yeah, her cheese fetish is getting old. Before I can take her out I have to call the restaurant and ask if they serve cheeseballs. They think I'm crazy and frankly I'm beginning to wonder myself.
Her best friend: Cheese is fattening! How could she stuff her mouth with that crap?! I'm beyond disgusted. I've told her this many times. It's embarrassing. She always carries a few balls in her purse. Her purse! It's filled with cheese! Oh my god.
Her shrink: She has a fetish. We can deal with that. I can get her off the cheeseballs. I'm sure of it, even though we never learned anything about cheeseball addiction in psychology school, and she is truly a hardcore case, I think I can wean her onto a substitute fetish, perhaps Brussels sprouts.
Her grocer: Woman is nuts! She comes in and orders all these cheeseballs every week and we give her enough to feed an army and she is back the next week ordering more. No human can eat that many cheeseballs! How is this possible? But cheese ain't cheap, at least we're making money.
Her brother: I got caught stealing cheeseballs from a cheese monger because she said she was going into cheeseball withdrawal right there on the street and I was scared, so I robbed this guy.
The arresting officer: Dude says he was stealing cheese for his sister who was sick and needed cheeseballs. I've heard my share of stories after 20 years on the beat, but cheeseball sickness? That's a new one on me.
A random nutritionist: But that girl is sick! Eating that much cheese, especially in the round or ball form, well that's just super bad. Her body must be in cheeseball hell. She's gotta be plugged up good. I'll tell you what, that girl is going to die young. There, I said it.
Her hair stylist: I told her to stop chewing that cheese as it was messing up what I was doing with her hair. But her jaw just going up and down on that stinky cheeseball. Made me mad. She doesn't know it but one side is shorter than the other.
Her boss: She is a good worker who always smells like cheese. I wrestle with that. She has one drawer in her cubicle that is just stuffed with cheeseballs. Doesn't that shit have to be refrigerated?
Her ex-boyfriend: Bitch is crazy. Eating them all the time. It came down to me or her cheeseballs. Guess what she chose? Now I'm the ex.
What we have here is a clear cut case of other people's lives.
May 11, 2025
We had our first bear of the season yesterday. Big wooly fucker. Was right up at the house. He/she hung around for far too long. They've just come out of hibernation and all they want is food. This could be anything from a rabbit to a slow human.
May 12, 2025
So many anxious and depressed people. I was at a union screenwriters conference and everyone was worried. There were endless conversations about AI taking their jobs and nonstop complaints about bean counters and moneymen. They thought CGI usage was out of control, paying an actor a king's ransom for a two month job is insane and don't get them started on producers, their insincerities and duplicities. As always, money was a red hot topic. I looked around the room. You know how every year a ton of crappy movies come out? These are the people writing them: anxious, fearful men and women afraid of tech, their jobs, producers and low pay. You expect quality from that? Not me. I wasn't plagued by any of those fretful issues. So by default, I was the best writer there. Was too.
May 13, 2025
He asked his new girlfriend how many other guys she had slept with.
-- Trust me, you don't want to know.
-- I do. I kinda need to know.
-- Why?
-- For my peace of mind.
-- That makes no sense.
-- Was I the first?
-- Hardly, James.
-- Are we talking single digits or double?
-- What, no triples? You calling me a slut?
-- Come on, Lucy, how many guys?
-- James, tell me something. How is not knowing the number better than finding out and watching it leave a permanent scar?
-- It's that many!
-- First off, James, I never counted. Who does something stupid like that? And your needing to know is worrying, because there is no possible good that could come of my feeding your insecurities.
-- Jesus, it is a lot. Over a hundred, Lucy?
-- Don't forget about the whole football team in high school.
-- Ha ha, that's so funny. Why can't you just give me the number of guys you've slept with?
-- How many girls is it for you, James?
-- 2. You're the second.
-- What? Well that explains it.
-- Explains what?
-- I don't want to hurt your feelings, but since you brought it up, you're not very good in bed, James.
-- I'm not?
-- You're not adventurous, romantic, fun loving or even considerate of others, me. Now I know you have very little experience, so that explains a lot.
-- Are you going to tell me how many guys?
-- No, but I'll show you what I've learned from them.
-- Ick. I need a number, Lucy. I need to know.
-- You're the first.
-- You said I wasn't.
-- But you are.
-- You were a virgin until me?
-- Can't you tell?
-- I don't know anymore.
-- Trust me, James, you know all you need to know.
May 15, 2025
Saw this uber descriptive poem on a bathroom wall:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Trump is a piece of shit
Discuss
Below that was the comments section:
How fitting that this piece of orange do do is defined by a bathroom toilet.
Trump gives feces a bad name.
He's already shit out two massive turds, Donnie jr. and Eric.
Don't forget Elon, his personal African skid mark.
He wears diapers because he can't stop crapping all over himself and the American people.
A pathological liar, Trump is the equivalent of endless diarrhea.
They say he smells. So does shit. Coincidence?
When he's gone, a trail of excrement is all he'll leave behind.
When he doesn't like something he poo poos it. Literally.
He says he's the best piece of shit. The biggest. No one shits himself like Diaper Donnie. He is the King of Crap, the Minister of Manure, The Numbskull of Number Two.
The Patrician of Poop.
The Fuckboy of Feces.
The Captain of Crap.
The Bringer of Brown Nuggets.
The Toxic Tushy.
The Douchebag of Defecation.
The President of Poo.
The Blowhard of Bowel Movements.
Trump is human food poisoning.
May 17, 2025
I've got half a dozen thumb drives on my desk. Been there for years. I have no clue what's on them. Will I plug them into my computer to see? Nope. My curiosity is outweighed by the effort that would be required to peruse thousands of gigabytes of old data. It's the opposite of modern. It's as simple as that.
May 18, 2025
Drat, I caught a cold. I'm not in the mood for anything. I'm going back to bed. Perhaps we can try this again tomorrow. Later, my pretties.
May 20, 2025
As you might surmise, days later, I'm still not feeling great. At some point the effervescent Keith will return. But for now, you have the less than excited Keith ready to go back to bed. Disappointing? Yes, well...
May 21, 2025
Got up this morning to find 2 coyotes sleeping in our side yard. Our fenced side yard. How did they get in? I let them be and an hour later they were gone. I then went to examine the fence expecting to see a rent in it somewhere but found nothing. Wha? How did they get in and out? I did a second tour of the perimeter looking very closely for anything dug under the fence or through it but everything was perfectly intact. Do we have magic coyotes? Shape shifting coyotes? Did they learn how to operate a gate latch from both sides? Horrors, could they have discovered levitation? I'm pleased there is no damage to repair, but I am perplexed. Mystified.
May 22, 2025
All night long I had a convoluted dream about escaping a spotted brown bear. I get up this morning to see that we had another ursine visit the yard. This one trashed out a fence section and vomited something gross all over our deck. So how did my dream coincide with reality? And why was my dream bear a spotted brown bear (silly man, bears don't have spots)? Anyway, I have to go wash off our deck and make it usable for spotted and non spotted humans alike. Then I have to repair a fence that is no longer fencing. Ah, the rural life.
May 24, 2025
America, has your brain dead, moron President ruined the country enough already? No? You want more? Just keep letting the sick fuck squeal and whine and sign his little "orders". The only thing great about America is what it once was.
May 25, 2025
Overheard a couple at a coffee shop.
-- I invited my sister to come stay with us.
-- What? You didn't say anything to me about it.
-- You were working and she needed to know if she could or not.
-- For how long?
-- I don't know.
-- Carla, is she coming to live with us or just visit?
-- For the time being, she is moving in. She and Roger broke up and he is throwing her out of the condo.
-- Why are they breaking up?
-- She cheated on him and he found out.
-- Why can't she get her own place?
-- She can't afford it, besides, we have the extra bedroom.
-- So what are we talking here, a month?
-- Probably more.
-- More?
-- The moving van will be here tomorrow.
-- Moving van!
May 26, 2025
A month of no pictures. For the visually impaired this must be like getting teeth pulled without Novocaine. All I can say is, I'm not a machine! Or a dentist.
May 27, 2025
Got a phone call from someone I haven't seen in 20 years. Back then he was a hard drug user and a thief. He told me he had been born again years ago and was on the straight and narrow. Then he mentioned that he had fathered 11 children with 8 different women because the bible said go forth and procreate. Yeesh. He wondered if I might sponsor him immigrating to Canada with a few of his children, "the ones I like", and a couple of their mamas. I reminded him of the fact that he had a criminal record which meant there was little chance they would allow him to come. He responded with, "Well Trump is a convicted felon and he's the President." Yeah, I said, isn't that something.
May 29, 2025
If you don't understand what's going on with your life, why would you think a priest, rabbi, guru or anyone else could explain it to you? Therapy is great, but it still comes down to you; you need to make the connections; you need to make the changes; and you need to understand that you are the sole arbiter of your life. You know the idiom, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink? In other words, no one can "fix" you but yourself. Capish?
May 30, 2025
At a parent-teacher conference.
-- Your son, Dirk, falls asleep in class all the time.
-- That's 'cause he stays up late finishing his work.
-- But his school work is suffering.
-- He doesn't care about school and frankly, neither do I.
-- I'm sorry to hear that.
-- Look lady, I own a cleaning company. Dirk works for me. We have to clean at night when the businesses are closed. So I don't care if he sleeps in class.
-- He's only 12!
-- Oh, so a 12 year old can't push a broom or mop a floor? That's racist.
-- That's not racist.
-- Whatever. Are we done?
-- He's flunking school, Mr. Carbone. He'll have to repeat-
-- Like I said, I don't care.
-- I can't believe your disregard for your son's education.
-- Learning how to run a floor polisher is all the education he'll ever need. I own my own company but I never went past the 3rd grade. School is bullshit.
-- I'm sorry to hear that.
-- Yeah, sure. Are we done?
-- I think-
-- We're done.
May 31, 2025
I was asked to meet with American producers in California about a movie they wanted to make in Canada. I told them I had no interest in visiting Taco Trump's horror show. Aw, he isn't so bad, they said. Ah, but he is, I returned. Making a movie in Canada requires using above the line Canadian talent (directors, writers, etc.), so they then hired another Canadian writer who was detained at the border for 4 hours as they questioned his allegiance to the orange gasbag, searched his laptop and phone and found so many disparaging things said about their chicken ass leader that he was refused entry. Question: Are Americans that oblivious to Taco Trump's border bullshit? Do they realize a trip to Disneyland might instead turn into a trip to an El Salvador prison? SMH.
