Keith Ryan Publishing - KeithSpeak, July 2025

July 2, 2025

The bat box is up. Bats will eat like a trillion mosquitoes per night. So in the interest of fairness, the prey need to be warned. They do. They're living creatures too. So all around our property I have posted little signs for the mosquitoes - Beware! Bats about! There, that's tidy.

July 3, 2025

Just saw an ad for a movie. (imagine an announcer's voice) She was into weird stuff and he was so very straight. Or was it the reverse??? He was into some really kinky stuff and she was a virgin!!! (end voice). How many movies start out with this worn trope as its premise? Too many is the answer. Now with that ad, that's too many plus one. What? I'm just sayin'...

July 4, 2025

Big Ernie was out for revenge after he saw Darla at Gator's party sweet talking Gator. He sidled closer to hear what they were saying.

-- Aw, I like Big Ernie well enough, but...

-- But what, Darla?

-- Well, sometimes he seems, I dunno, kinda stupid, you know?

-- Yeah, he can be like that.

-- And sometimes I just want, I dunno, more of a man, or, just a different one, you know?

-- Now you're talking 'bout what I wanna hear.

-- Am I, Gator?

-- Definitely. Ernie's a bum. I'll tell you that.

-- Would you fight Big Ernie for me?

-- I'll knock his ass out for you. Yer looking so fine, Darla.

-- Am I?

-- Let's go out to my truck.

Big Ernie had heard enough. He stepped out from behind the curtain, but they were gone. He knew Darla would have to pee first so he hurried out to the rendezvous truck and squeezed himself into the crew cab back seat. When Darla and Gator showed up and started making out he commenced his revenge. It brought an end to Gator's party and life, but it brought Darla and Big Ernie closer than ever. To this day, historians argue over whether it was true love or just plain testosterone.

July 5, 2025

I smack my forehead. I have been living with the most terrible mouse ever made. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. I kept using it because in a moment of weakness I did something I never normally do - I took out the store insurance when I bought it. Cost me 3 bucks for 3 years of full replacement. But my god, this mouse sucked every which way. But I kept using this horrid implement and cursing it for 3 years because I had to live out the extra insurance. Why? Stubborn? Pig headed? It was 3 bucks! Anyway, finally, enough was enough, I bought a new mouse yesterday and all my frustrations with the previous abomination are gone. Yikes. Clearly, I should have done this years ago. Sigh.

July 6, 2025

He was learning to play the clarinet. He was honking and squeaking all over the place. His girlfriend was getting madder by the day. Whenever he brought out the clarinet case and starting piecing the instrument together, the dog would hide under the bed and his girlfriend would get madder by the day. They needed to talk.

-- Why do you want to learn the clarinet?

-- As a kid, my parents were into the Big Band sound and I loved hearing Benny Goodman play the clarinet. But my family couldn't afford a clarinet so I had to wait until I was an adult to get one.

-- They waited because you have no musical abilities. They knew.

-- That's cruel, Glinda. I'll learn to play this thing if it's the last thing I do.

-- I hate it. Even when you hit a good note, it sounds like someone crying. I hate it.

-- Just to be clear. You hate the clarinet or you hate me?

-- Both, Marcus.

-- Maybe I would learn it faster if I had some support.

-- Let's jump ahead, Marcus. Let's go to when you are a proficient clarinet player. Where are you going to play, Marcus? With whom are you going to play? Did anybody tell you that the Big Band sound died like a hundred years ago? Nobody fucking plays the trombone and NOBODY plays the clarinet anymore. Hello? Anybody tell you that?

-- So let me get this straight. You think the clarinet is a dead end.

-- No, it died years ago. It fell off a cliff when Barney Goodman died.

-- Benny Goodman. Did you know that he once hit C above high C in a concert at Carnegie Hall? It was glorious, Glinda, and well, that is my end goal. I'm gonna hit C above high C. I know it can be done. That is why I'm learning the clarinet. Me and Benny.

-- Do you even know what C above high C means?

-- No, but I know what it sounds like. I have the record of that concert.

-- Ok, let's say you achieve this goal and honk out some high C. What then? You gonna put that thing away in the back of the closet where it belongs?

-- It's hard to play a woodwind! Once I learn it, and it could take years, why would I stop playing it?

-- Because your dog and your girlfriend would leave you.

-- Oh.

July 7, 2025

She went to church camp and was molested by a priest. He went to church camp and was molested by a priest. Turns out it was the same priest at different camps after the church moved the pedophile around to avoid prosecution. This is hardly a two-off. And yet a corrupt institution riddled with pedophiles still has tax exempt status and the unswerving faith of the public. Now why is that?

July 8, 2025

The real estate market had been dwindling for years and Margo was day drinking to compensate. But she had a live one on the line. He had seen the house from the outside and loved it. Loved the neighbourhood. Right price range too. But they couldn't get in to see the inside until today. The first thing he did was count the number of stairs up to the second floor and then the number of them down to the basement. "13 each!" he declared. "Deal's off." Margo was floored. "My triskaidekaphobia won't let me live in this house," he concluded. Margo picked her jaw back up and said, "Trisket what? What the hell are you talking about? This house is perfect for you." "Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. Both staircases have 13 stairs. I can't live with that." Margo blew up. "You idiot! You're letting some made up superstition stop you from your dream home? You're an idiot. And a child. Grow up. Grow a pair. Buy this place and get over your silly made up bullshit about a stupid number. Jesus." Incredibly, it worked. He felt ashamed. He had been living some concocted fantasy about some number that actually had bupkiss to do with his life. He bought the house and died the same day tripping at the top of the stairs and breaking his neck at the bottom. Margo rationalized that he still would have died on either a 12 or 14 stair staircase. It wasn't her fault, she assured herself as she opened her 10AM bottle of wine.

July 9, 2025

A fellow with a bleached blond mohawk that stood 6 inches proud of his head was buying everybody at the pub a round. What was he celebrating? Seems he just passed the bar exam and was now a licensed lawyer. Half the people in the pub imagined his clients walking into his office and seeing mohawk boy for the first time. So about half the bar started laughing. And now having seen one, the other half knew that they would never use a lawyer with a mohawk, but all were happy to accept his free drink.