KeithSpeak - May 2011

 

 

 

May 1, 2011
 
May 2, 2011
If a UFO landed in your yard and someone or something invited you in, would you go? Would your curiosity trump your fear and allow you to see what's inside? Or would you beg off and live the rest of your life wondering what the hell just happened.
 
May 3, 2011
From this month's Plumbing Trends magazine:
Facing tough economic times, and unable to afford two or three separate bathrooms, the concept of the family toilet room has sprouted, taking the idea of family togetherness to a whole new level.
 
May 4, 2011
Do people with the same birthday share the same characteristics? Since I have the same birthday as Pancho Villa, what exactly, you know, does that mean?
 
May 5, 2011
I had a plan, and it worked for a while, but then it didn't. A new plan was needed. A change in plans. Plan B. I came up with a pretty good plan too, plan 2, but that's what I thought about plan 1, and we know how well that turned out. Still, I have high hopes for the new plan. Won't know until I put the plan into action. Fingers crossed.
 
May 6, 2011
A bottleneck exists. Everything funnels down to this one spot and then pretty much stops. In this case, the bottleneck is human. Just as she is choking the life out of this project, the team wants to choke the life out of her. Bottlenecks are there to be eliminated, right? But she is married to a professional wrestler who seems a tad, well, unstable, so instead of killing her, and risking hubby's roided wrath, the team takes up a collection, creates a fake contest and sends the winning bottleneck to Disney World. When she returns, she'll find the project moved on without her. Tidy, eh?
 
May 7, 2011
I'm in a clothing store when a customer starts arguing with a sales clerk. The customer calls him a liar and the clerk calls him a thief. They escalate to calling each other ruder and cruder names until the customer pushes the clerk and the clerk lunges back at him with arms a flailing. They start fighting in the shirt aisle. No manager or other store workers break it up. With no intervention, the customer pretty much thrashes the salesman into submission. Victorious, the customer gets off the stricken clerk and walks out of the store yelling to no one in particular, "That's what I'm talkin' about! That's exactly what I'm talkin' about!" My my, you don't see that everyday.
 
May 8, 2011
I need a vacation. It's been too long since I just dropped everything and did nothing somewhere else. The only problem with leaving is nothing would get done in my absence and I would return to the same stuff that caused me to want to escape from it originally. What then? Can one do back to back vacations? Is that legal?
 
May 9, 2011
The only two headed driver in NASCAR history, Count Zborowski's win at Daytona was disqualified due to his ability to look both forward and backward at the same time. His fellow racers claimed it was a disadvantage having only one head. The competition committee agreed, declaring that all two headed drivers would forever be banned from Daytona. The disqualification was a bitter pill for the Count to swallow, and one which neither head would ever forget.  
 
May 10, 2011
I slap my knee when I read that some doctor says that doing something (he considers nasty) will take so many years off your life. As if he knows how long one will live or what the cause of one's death will be. It's just made up hooey spoken by some fool who thinks he knows something he doesn't. And isn't that the definition of ignorant?  
 
May 11, 2011
If you were given the choice of playing the victim or the hero - and we are given the choice, it's called free will - which would you choose? Why do so many people choose to be the victim? Crybaby (Somebody done me wrong!) or positive influence of change (I'm here to help), the choice, as always, is yours.
 
May 12, 2011
In 2036, if you look up 'saucy' in the dictionary, you get a picture of the Quackenbush quads. Can anyone explain this?toolmantim
 
May 13, 2011
In the middle of the night I woke up with a really good idea and jotted it down before I fell back to slumber. I looked at it this morning and it's rubbish. It's not like I couldn't understand my handwriting or even what I wrote - I can read it plain as day - it's just complete rubbish. What was I thinking? or dreaming? What made me think this was a good idea? If there was a morning after pill for something like this, I would take it now.  
 
May 15, 2011
Had a chance to reflect on friendship last night as I was with some people I hadn't seen in 10 years. As is often the case in small towns, you don't just know individuals, but their siblings, parents and sometimes grandparents as well. There is context with the friendship. You may reconnect with just one person, but you catch up on the whole family. It was a rich evening, and well worth the wait.
 
May 16, 2011
Firing someone implies that whomever hired the person made a mistake. Shouldn't the person who did the hiring, whose misjudgement is really the problem, have taken the fall? Shouldn't there be consequences? I'm just sayin'...
 
May 17, 2011
If you had the chance to become a mogul, would you? Would you like to exercise control and power over the vast minions needed to run an enterprise worthy of you being called a mogul? Because I don't think I would. Because if you're so busy running everyone else's life, how do you pay attention to yours?
 
May 18, 2011
All these people are in the same place at the same time, yet none of them are in the same place at the same time.
 
May 19, 2011
I'm no conspiracy ideologue, but I dunno, this picture seems to lend credence to the moon landing was faked theory.
 
May 20, 2011
I was introduced to a pompous, oily Austrian as Doctor Professor Reverend so and so. Doctor Professor Reverend? I asked him bluntly if the need to be presented with three titles was a sign of insecurity. Consumed with faux outrage he assured me that insecurity was for all the other greasy little people in the world who didn't have titles in front of their name! Confirming indeed he was using these appellations as a way to overcome his less than impressive, smarmy little self. Only it didn't work.
 
May 21, 2011
My solar year is about to start. That means that on my birthday, the sun will be in the same position it was in when I was born. I'm not sure what that means, but it reminds me of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
 
May 22, 2011
We've been working on the phone app for our social network. Hoping to get it out by next month. Actually hoping to release everything by next month. Famous last words. I'll keep you abreast.
 
May 23, 2011
One by one, the chairs marched toward the ocean.
Could no one stop them?!
May 24, 2011
If you build it they will come. Liars!
 
May 25, 2011
Marty of Marty's Partys was flabbergasted, "Rapture! What kind of rapture leaves the rental guy on the hook for 108 chairs! Where the bloody hell did everybody go?!"  
 
May 26, 2011
I like to lope. If I'm playing baseball or hockey, I approach that fly ball or step into that slap shot at a leisurely pace. I skate or run easily toward it and then bam! I've suddenly made the catch and doubled the runner off second or just sent a blistering quick release slapper past a startled goalie. See, loping is deceiving. It lulls the opposition. Most of them just think I'm lazy. Could I have gone pro? Of course, silly! but coaches hate lopers, and I'm not into the hating. Now you know.
 
May 27, 2011
In honour of the Vancouver Canucks having reached the 4th and final round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I have composed an epic poem:
 
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Go Canucks go.
 
May 28, 2011
For two years I've been saying I'm going to be in the right place at the right time. Today, literally, my horoscope says that in less than a week, I will find myself in the right place at the right time. Finally! Shall we count down? Lets! 7...
 
May 29, 2011
We have always called our field a field. When we first moved here it was pretty much open pasture, but over the intervening years, with no livestock or tilling, it's become half forested with fir and pine. I was saying something to someone about being up in our field- when he cut me off and stated, It's not a field anymore, there's too many trees, it's a park. You live in park. Damn, I thought to myself, that's not too shabby. Not one little bit.
 
May 30, 2011
If you're ever doing a book signing and up walks an ex-girlfriend with the guy she dumped you for whom you don't know from Adam but you hate with a passion, and she says sweetly, sickly, Hi baby, how are you? I miss you. Congratulations on your book. Have you met Rodney? I bought your book for Rodney. Could you sign it to Rodney for me, baby. Then she smiles that sexy smile of hers as if nothing is wrong with this picture and you are left wondering what to do? I suggest you write something like this: Rodney, F off and take that shape shifting devil woman with you! That should sum things up nicely, bring to an end this wretched civility, cement your power. You know, should this scenario ever happen to you.
 

 

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KeithSpeak                                        June 2011

 




 

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