The bat box is up. Bats will eat like a trillion mosquitoes per night. So in the interest of fairness, the prey need to be warned. They do. They're living creatures too. So all around our property I have posted little signs for the mosquitoes - Beware! Bats about! What?
July 3, 2025
Just saw another redundant ad for a movie. (imagine an announcer's voice) She was a wild child into weird stuff and he was so very straight! Or was it the reverse??? He was into the kinky stuff and she was a virgin!!! (end voice). How many movies start out with this worn trope as its premise? Too many is the answer. Now with that repetitive ad I just saw, that's too many plus one. What? You didn't see Shakespeare doing Romeo and Juliet 15 times. I'm just sayin'...
July 4, 2025
Big Ernie was out for revenge after he saw Darla at Gator's party sweet talking Gator. He sidled closer to hear what they were saying.
-- Aw, I like Big Ernie well enough, but...
-- But what, Darla?
-- Well, sometimes he seems, I dunno, kinda stupid, you know?
-- Yeah, he can be like that.
-- And sometimes I just want, I dunno, more of a man, or, just a different one, you know?
-- Now you're talking 'bout what I wanna hear.
-- Am I, Gator?
-- Definitely. Ernie's a bum. I'll tell you that.
-- Would you fight Big Ernie for me?
-- I'll knock his ass out for you. Yer looking so fine, Darla.
-- Am I?
-- Let's go out to my truck.
Big Ernie had heard enough. He stepped out from behind the curtain, but they were gone. He knew Darla would have to pee first so he hurried out to the rendezvous truck and squeezed himself into the crew cab back seat. When Darla and Gator showed up and started making out he commenced his revenge. It brought an end to Gator's party and life, but it brought Darla and Big Ernie closer than ever. To this day, historians argue over whether it was true love or just plain testosterone.
July 5, 2025
I smack my forehead. I have been living with the most terrible mouse ever made. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. I kept using it because in a moment of weakness I did something I never normally do - I took out the store insurance when I bought it. Cost me 3 bucks for 3 years of full replacement. But my god, this mouse sucked every which way. But I kept using this horrid implement and cursing it for 3 years because I had to live out the extra insurance. Why? Stubborn? Pig headed? It was 3 bucks! Anyway, finally, enough was enough, I bought a new mouse yesterday and all my frustrations with the previous abomination are gone. Yikes. Clearly, I should have done this years ago. Sigh.
July 6, 2025
He was learning to play the clarinet. He was honking and squeaking all over the place. His girlfriend was getting madder by the day. Whenever he brought out the clarinet case and starting piecing the instrument together, the dog would hide under the bed and his girlfriend would get madder by the day. They needed to talk.
-- Why do you want to learn the clarinet?
-- As a kid, my parents were into the Big Band sound and I loved hearing Benny Goodman play the clarinet. But my family couldn't afford a clarinet so I had to wait until I was an adult to get one.
-- They waited because you have no musical abilities. They knew.
-- That's cruel, Glinda. I'll learn to play this thing if it's the last thing I do.
-- I hate it. Even when you hit a good note, it sounds like someone crying. I hate it.
-- Just to be clear. You hate the clarinet or you hate me?
-- Both, Marcus.
-- Maybe I would learn it faster if I had some support.
-- Let's jump ahead, Marcus. Let's go to when you are a proficient clarinet player. Where are you going to play, Marcus? With whom are you going to play? Did anybody tell you that the Big Band sound died like a hundred years ago? Nobody fucking plays the trombone and NOBODY plays the clarinet anymore. Hello? Anybody tell you that?
-- So let me get this straight. You think the clarinet is a dead end.
-- No, it died years ago. It fell off a cliff when Barney Goodman died.
-- Benny Goodman. Did you know that he once hit C above high C in a concert at Carnegie Hall? It was glorious, Glinda, and well, that is my end goal. I'm gonna hit C above high C. I know it can be done. That is why I'm learning the clarinet. Me and Benny.
-- Do you even know what C above high C means?
-- No, but I know what it sounds like. I have the record of that concert.
-- Ok, let's say you achieve this goal and honk out some high C. What then? You gonna put that thing away in the back of the closet where it belongs?
-- It's hard to play a woodwind! Once I learn it, and it could take years, why would I stop playing it?
-- Because your dog and your girlfriend would leave you.
-- Oh.
July 7, 2025
She went to church camp and was molested by a priest. He went to church camp and was molested by a priest. Turns out it was the same priest at different camps after the church moved the pedophile around to avoid prosecution. This is hardly a two-off. And yet a corrupt institution riddled with pedophiles still has tax exempt status and the unswerving faith of the public. Now why is that?
July 8, 2025
The real estate market had been dwindling for years and realtor Margo was day drinking to compensate. But she had a live one on the line. He had seen the house from the outside and loved it. Loved the neighbourhood. Right price range too. But they couldn't get in to see the inside until today. The first thing he did was count the number of stairs up to the second floor and then the number of them down to the basement. "13 each!" he declared. "Deal's off." Margo was floored. "My triskaidekaphobia won't let me live in this house," he concluded. Margo picked her jaw back up and said, "Trisket what? What the hell are you talking about? This house is perfect for you." "Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. Both staircases have 13 stairs. I can't live with that." Margo blew up. "You idiot! You're letting some made up superstition stop you from your dream home? You're an idiot. And a child. Grow up. Grow a pair. Buy this place and get over your silly made up bullshit about a stupid number. Jesus." Incredibly, it worked. He felt ashamed. He had been living some concocted fantasy about some number that actually had bupkiss to do with his life. He bought the house and died the same day tripping at the top of the stairs and breaking his neck at the bottom. Margo rationalized that he still would have died on either a 12 or 14 stair staircase. It wasn't her fault, she assured herself as she opened her 10AM bottle of wine.
July 9, 2025
A fellow with a bleached blond mohawk that stood 6 inches proud of his head was buying everybody at the pub a round. What was he celebrating? Seems he just passed the bar exam and was now a licensed lawyer. Half the people in the pub imagined his clients walking into his office and seeing mohawk boy for the first time. So about half the bar started laughing. And now having seen one, the other half knew that they would never use a lawyer with a mohawk, but all were happy to accept his free drink.
July 11, 2025
I'm in one of those moods where I have nothing good to say about anything or anybody so it's best that I don't. See you tomorrow.
July 12, 2025
Overheard a mother and son at the beach.
-- Can I go in now?
-- How long has it been since you had lunch?
-- I don't know, maybe 15 minutes.
-- You have to wait a half hour before you can go swimming after you ate.
-- Why?
-- Because you'll drown.
-- Why?
-- Because you'll cramp up and get pulled under. Do you want to die, Colin?
-- No.
-- Then wait.
-- But look, Mom, that guy is eating a donut in the water.
-- He'll soon be dead.
-- But I'm so hot. I need to cool off. Can't I just wade in up to my knees?
-- That lake is like crack, Colin. Sure you want a little taste but soon you crave more and more and you go deeper and deeper until you're out there swimming and cooling off and you cramp up and die. Is that what you want, Colin?
-- No.
-- Then wait for 15 more minutes.
The woman sitting next to them, says,
-- Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear. Waiting for a half hour after you've eaten is a myth, an old wives tale. There is absolutely no proof that you have to wait any amount of time after eating. Your son will be fine to go swimming.
-- And who the hell are you to tell me how to raise my son? You butt out, ok. Don't listen to the rude lady, Colin. I'm your mother. And I say 15 more minutes.
-- But it should be down to at least 12 by now.
-- 15. Go do some jumping jacks. It will help move the food past all the cramping in your stomach.
-- But I'm not cramping.
-- That's 'cause you're not swimming. I, your mother, just saved your life right there. You should thank me.
-- Mom, it's like 30 degrees out. It's too hot to exercise. Plus, I've never ever seen a single person do jumping jacks at the beach.
-- You wanna go live with the rude lady? Is that it, Colin? Have you lost all faith in your own mother?
-- I just want to go in the water.
-- Fine. Go ahead. I'll just start planning the funeral now.
-- Gene, I know it's not much, but it's a start. With your money and my brains, we can do this. I already hung the sign in the window. Looks great, huh. It's got a garage bay for the cars to get their new seat covers installed, a funky building exterior and a good number, 319. That's a good number, Gene. A little paint, our name on the front, slam dunk. Whattaya think?
-- I dunno, Harry. It's in a bad part of town and it looks pretty run down.
-- That's where the paint comes in.
-- And those oil stains on the sidewalk?
-- We'll get the city to fix the sidewalk.
-- And the location?
-- Gene, rich people don't buy seat covers. They wear out a seat in their Mercedes, they buy a new seat. Trust me, we're in the right part of town for selling seat covers. Plus, it's all we can afford.
-- I've said it a hundred times, I feel it in my bones that seat covers are the wave of the future. I do, Harry. You know that. It's just...
-- Then you're in?
-- I mean, every car has seats, right? So that's how I know that covers are necessary, but-
-- Why are you so reticent, Gene?
-- Ok, Harry, I'm gonna level with you. My brother-in-law, you know Chet, the insurance salesman, he wants me to go in on a business with him. Well I kinda already did.
-- What business?
-- Well Chet knows my passion for seat covers. I been crazy about them since I was a little kid riding in the family Plymouth with the foam chunks tore outta the seats by Barney our dog. Then Dad bought seat covers. Plush velour! And I fell in love. You know that's a true story, Harry.
-- What's the business, Gene?
-- Um...
-- Spit it out, Gene.
-- Seat covers.
-- What! What?!
-- Yeah, we're Seat Cover Chet over in the Shumley Mall. Sorry, Harry.
-- Well isn't that a fine hello.
-- You don't know how persuasive Chet can be. We were drinking. I got all caught up. Sorry, Harry.
-- Yeah? Tell Chet to go fuck himself for me.
-- Ok, Harry. Sorry.
July 14, 2025
Let's say you go to the grocery to buy some milk. While there, you run into an old friend, someone you haven't seen in ages. Something in the back of your mind kept nagging at you while chatting but you ignored it. You buy your milk and go home. Once there, you realize that the old friend was someone you loaned money to a long time ago, were never paid back, and he had been avoiding you ever since, which is, of course, why you hadn't seen him in ages. Oh, and that nagging feeling was that of your money flying away accompanied by his relief that you didn't bring it up. Do you just continue to drink your milk as if nothing happened?
July 15, 2025
She scoffed at his belief in reincarnation. She herself was an aficionado of the one and done theory. He would attribute events to karma and she would dispute that by saying they were mere coincidences. She was a firm believer in living life now and had no intention of saving anything for the future. He was pragmatic and rational and adverse to impulsivity. He believed in UFOs. She mocked his belief in UFOs. She drove too fast for his liking, yet she was late for everything. They were engaged to be married. Opposites attract, sure, but does it lend itself to long term happiness?
July 16, 2025
No one knows why he does it, but he uses a ridiculous e-mail address. It's cringe, unworthy, and not at all suitable for an adult. His own child told him it was childish. His wife said she is embarrassed to give it out to anyone so she doesn't. His veterinarian told him that he was appalled by it and from now on he has to pay in cash. His boss said the company HR and IT people flagged it and it cannot be used for company business. So what could he possibly get out of using it? What is he trying to say? Why do it? What's the purpose? Some say it's a bigger mystery than who built the Pyramids.
July 17, 2025
Overheard two kids.
-- I hate school. I'm glad it's summer.
-- We should be thankful.
-- I am. For summer.
-- No, we should be glad we're not American. My cousin, who lives in Texas, says they are afraid of getting shot in school. They have armed guards in the hallways. The teachers have guns.
-- That's crazy. Me, I'm just afraid of flunking.
-- My point exactly.
-- What, me flunking?
-- No, how we don't gotta worry about being shot in school.
-- I hate school. I'm glad it's summer.
-- So we should be thankful.
-- I am. For summer.
July 18, 2025
What is so special about the number 9? Cats have 9 lives, baseball is 9 innings long, and 9 gets to be the last single digit standing before 10. The last! Who gave 9 this privilege? That reminds me of a story. There was this genie who used to grant people 9 wishes but everybody would get so frivolous toward the end because there really aren't 9 things in life we desire, so people resorted to saying stupid stuff like, Gosh, I wish my pancakes were rounder. So the genie cut it down to three wishes and the rest is history. Great story. Can we learn from this? Maybe we ought to just stop at the number 3? Hello? Come on, who's with me!
July 20, 2025
Her dog needed major surgery and afterward, would need extensive care recovery at home. She needed time off and tried to use her vacation days but her manager refused, saying it was a busy time for the company and they couldn't spare her. But she was not going to leave her ailing dog at home by himself, so she quit her job to take care of him. Weeks later the dog was back on his feet. It was during his recovery that she crafted a new personal philosophy: Work should fit around her life, not the other way around.
You had a fight with your wife? Imagine you're here.
Your youngest kid flunked for the second time? Imagine yourself here.
Your oldest kid caught breaking and entering and needs to be bailed out? Imagine yourself...
Your brother screwed you in a side business deal? Imagine...
Behind in your mortgage and thinking of doing something rash?
You're in last place in your fantasy league and the penalty is to wear a dress on Tuesdays?
Your new watch has turned your wrist green?
You thought you were getting a refund but learn it's tax you owe?
Is life getting the better of you?
Do you need a time out? Imagine you're here.
July 22, 2025
He lived on a 50 acre farm that was going to pot. The fields were left fallow, the barns were in need of repair, the equipment barely ran and you want to know the great irony in all of this? He was addicted, completely absorbed in and unable to quit playing Stardew Valley, an online farming game. In the game, his farm was pristine, his animals healthy and productive, his machinery was new and gleaming and his fields and gardens were lush and full of bounty - basically, everything his real life farm was not. His explanation for this was simple - farming online is easy, farming in real life is hard. He's made his choice.
July 23, 2025
He was in a dead end job so he quit and made a new plan. He moved to Hollywood. Bought the latest screenwriting software. Set himself up in an apartment and gave himself 3 months to produce a screenplay worth buying. Even though he had never written a movie before, he had watched plenty and was confident he could do it. Then, after he had written his screenplay he would secure an agent to sell it and together they would start his new career. It was all planned out. He felt good about the plan. He sat down and stared at the computer screen. Page 1.
July 24, 2025
I saw a motorcycle/car crash at a local 4 way stop. Both the bike and car, perpendicular to each other, drove into the intersection at the same time. The bike T-boned the car. The rider went flying over the car roof and landed badly. The driver couldn't get out of the car because the bike had dented the door into him and the airbag had gone off. The intersection was completely blocked in all 4 directions. By the time the ambulance and RCMP arrived, each stop sign had 10-15 cars lined up behind it. By the time the tow truck came and everything was cleared away, there were twice that number of cars waiting. And that was a problem. At 4 way stops, you go by the order in which you arrived. You know when it's your turn as you come to the stop sign. But with everyone backed up and now super late, everyone just wanted to go. Chaos ensued and road rage followed. There were near misses until another crash again blocked the intersection. Damn, people!
July 25, 2025
Two bros talking.
-- How was the club last night?
-- Bro, I was all ready to bang this chick until her boyfriend showed up.
-- I hate when that happens, bro.
-- I had her just the right amount of drunk too.
-- What's the right amount, bro?
-- You know, in between they'll let you do anything and throwing up.
-- Bro, that's a fine line.
-- You got that right.
-- Too bad. Scoring would have been awesome, bro.
-- Tell me about it.
-- One thing I don't get.
-- What's that, bro?
-- If I were a chick I'd go for me in a heartbeat, right? I mean, I'd be all over that shit, bro. How come they're not?
-- God works in mysterious ways.
-- Whoa, are you saying God is in the clubs?
-- Most certainly, bro.
-- Then bro, thoughts and prayers for hot chicks.
-- In da club.
-- In da club, bro.
July 27, 2025
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When you put dolts in charge
And then it's all fucked up
What did you expect?
July 29, 2025
Martha had no confidence in herself or much else. She started seeing a therapist. But a lot of stuff got uncovered in those sessions. Repressed, deeply buried memories are like land mines that lay in wait until you step on them. Ka-boom. Tripping through her life, Martha, now shell shocked, had no idea she was this messed up. Her therapist said she had seen worse. She assured her that together they could work through this. But Martha had no confidence in that or much else.
July 30, 2025
There is something I want to purchase. My little town does not have this item. The next bigger town an hour away says they are supposed to get it but haven't yet. They didn't know when it might arrive. They told me that one of their stores in a town 700km away already has it in stock. So, do I wait on the premise that the semi-local store will eventually get it and I won't be frustrated with the wait, no matter how long it takes, or do I want to undertake a 7 hour drive north to secure it now?
July 31, 2025
The world makes demands on you. But you don't have to do what everyone tells you to do. Whatever you decide to do, whether it aligns with or refutes what everyone else says, doesn't matter. That's because you are only responsible for you and whatever it is you do. So own it. Make it yours. Take responsibility for your actions and the demands of the world will be seen for what they are, mere suggestions. Capish?
