KeithSpeak- February 2016

 

 
 
 
February 1, 2016
I stopped for gas and went into the store to pay. Behind the counter was a very big man. I asked him how tall he was and he said 6'7". A guy behind me said, No way. You're taller than that. The cashier shrugged his shoulders. The guy behind me pulled a tape measure from a shelf and went up to the big guy to literally measure him. The man was 6'9". I was amazed that someone would not know how tall they are, especially when they're as tall as this man. He didn't know he was 6'9. I almost couldn't believe it.
 
February 2, 2016
Don't depend on others to make your life better for you. Be it priest, rabbi, guru or doctor, no one can do for you what needs to be done. The advice of others, myself included, are merely waypoints; every individual is on their own subjective path. To where? To awareness. Awareness of what? Awareness of just what the hell is going on.
 
February 4, 2016
We got two feet of snow last night. I'm off to plow. I shall be back in 3 hours.
 
It's 3 hours later and I'm still not done clearing our long driveway. Lordy, I'll be back in an hour.
 
It's an hour later and I'm finally finished. The snow has been put in its place. The driveway looks beautiful and our tractor is back down in the barn breathing heavily. Is it too early for a beer?
 
February 5, 2016
I remember the day we planted these onions. We took the greatest care. We even named the sets - Johnny, Louise, Marco, Florence, it was so much fun. I remember how we nurtured them all through that short summer, spending hours with them and the other vegetables. One day they were just perfect. We picked 'em, washed 'em, sliced and diced 'em and put them into this hot pan with sizzling virgin olive oil. Johnny, Louise, they were our friends. We encouraged them to grow. Now we're eating them. Is this any way to treat friends?
 
February 6, 2016
TIP: If you're rich, famous and privileged, don't talk in public about how hard it is to be rich, famous and privileged. People who aren't rich, famous and privileged don't want to hear about it.
 
February 7, 2016
I can't remember where I know this person from, but I'm sure I know him. He says he's never met me before. It bothers me. He looks so familiar. I finally remember I had a dream with this guy in it. We were sworn enemies. Grrrr. Should I hate him in real life?
 
February 10, 2016
Overheard at a parking garage.
-- Did you bring the stuff?
-- I couldn't read your handwriting, so I had to guess at a couple of things.
-- Rope?
-- Got it.
-- Pick and shovel?
-- Check.
-- Suitcase?
-- That's what that was? Suitcase? Man, I couldn't read it. No, no suitcase.
-- Well what are we gonna carry the stuff in, genius?
-- I dunno.
-- You're an idiot. Now we don't have time to go get a suitcase which means we can't do this today. Tomorrow is no good and then that puts us into the weekend.
-- What about next week?
-- I got another job to do next week. Today was the only day this could have worked. You're an idiot.
-- Print next time, ok? Your handwriting sucks.
-- Next time I won't send a boy to do a man's job.
-- How is getting a suitcase a man's job?
-- You're an idiot. You are. I'm sorry. Let's go.
 
February 12, 2016
Somebody tells me that they are a follower of mine. I assume they are talking about the website, but no, this dude claims to be a "disciple". Say what? "I'm an adherent," he says. "You have made me think about my life in ways I had never thought of before. That's been great for me. So I follow you. There are others too." Why do I find this creepy? Why do I find the idea of acolytes deplorable?
 
February 13, 2016
It's called discrimination.
Substitute dogs for blacks, Muslims, short people, Syrians, the indigent...
The privileged call it exclusion. Everyone else calls it discrimination.
 
February 15, 2016
I ran into a beautiful Swedish woman at the grocery story. Literally. I turned into an aisle and rammed my cart into her rear end as she was bending down to get something from a lower shelf. I apologized. She smiled, rubbed her backside and said something in Swedish. I smiled back, said sorry again, and moved on. Later, in another aisle, she spots me and in mock jest pushes her cart into mine. Then she starts flirting in Swedish. How wonderful. Marketing says that an ice cold Coke is the most refreshing thing in the world, but I beg to differ.
 
February 17, 2016
This past weekend I found myself face to face with someone telling me something they shouldn't have.
1.) I didn't want to know in the first place;
2.) It was improper, a breach of ethics and totally inappropriate to say what was said; and
3.) At the end of the exchange, the air between us was so dirty I needed a shower.
I don't mind saying, my faith in mankind was lessened a bit that day.
 
February 18, 2016
This is the sort of thing you see on the street every day if you just pay attention: A large white man was walking a tiny black dog. Behind him a petite Asian woman was walking an enormous Great Dane. Following her, a 10 year old boy was texting on his phone with a parrot on his shoulder, and behind him was a six year old girl walking/dragging an orange tom cat on a leash. It was literally a Monty Python sketch come to life.
 
February 19, 2016
The TARDIS has a twin! In this just unearthed Gallifrey photo, Time Lord carpenters are shown working on a pair of TARDIS twins. Who knew?! I mean, did he? This show!
 
February 20, 2016
Overheard at the bank.
-- You still in line for the promotion?
-- I am. I'll know after the next quarterlies.
-- Well, good luck.
-- Luck has nothing to do with it. My performance on the job merits my getting this promotion.
-- Well, good luck anyway.
-- Why would you say that? That implies that my getting the promotion is a fluke.
-- I was just wishing you good luck. You know how people say that when they mean well for others?
-- Well I wish you would stop saying it.
-- Don't tell me what I can say and what I can't.
-- Let's just drop it, ok?
-- (mumble mumble)
-- What! You hope Mary Beeson gets it?!
-- (no answer)
-- That's it. I don't have time to bank and I certainly have no more time for the likes of you! Oh, and as an FYI - I get the promotion, your ass is fired. Good luck with that.
 
February 22, 2016
This woman tells me how she doesn't trust men. She says that men are jerks and she is tired of their games. She says that her joy lies in sisterhood and that men can suck it. Oddly, she went on haranguing men for another ten minutes as if I wasn't there and one of them.
 
February 23, 2016
A writer procrastinated on a contract. Originally he had three months to produce an original screenplay. But instead of writing, he went to Vegas and gambled and drank and played. He went to Europe to visit his girlfriend and then to DisneyWorld for a family reunion. As he burned through the advance, the clock was ticking. In the end he had three days left to create a feature length screenplay or return the money they had given him (and he no longer had). He scored a few grams of cocaine and some hits of speed and started to write. The movie he created was pure rubbish, it actually got made, was horribly reviewed and lost a ton of money. But that didn't affect the writer. He is currently "working" on another movie by gambling in Monte Carlo with his European girlfriend as the clock on the new contract ticks. Hollywood is built upon mountains of crap product and its walls are gooey from movies being thrown against them to see if they'll stick. Somebody has to write that junk.
 
February 24, 2016 
By featuring his fussy table manners, Heinrich's Tinder picture allowed untold women to swipe left.
 
February 25, 2016
I listened to someone making fun of someone else, and as much as I felt bad for the person being made fun of, and as much as I didn't approve of what was happening, I couldn't help but laugh because the person making the fun was being extremely clever at the other person's expense. I just tried not to make any noise when I laughed, you know, out of respect.
 
February 26, 2016
Went out to dinner at one of our town's nicer establishments. The table next to us had a lovely young couple that seemed to be really enjoying themselves, leastways until the end of the meal when another woman stormed up, yelled at the man, cursed at the woman and caused all three of them to immediately leave the restaurant (without paying) screaming at each other as they exited. I watched them out in the parking lot where now they were all hugging and laughing as they made their way to their car. Huh. It was a scam for a free meal; dinner theater for the rest of us.
 
February 29, 2016
Looky here, an extra day in the year to do whatever we want! Except it's still a Monday, which means it's just an extra day to work. Why isn't the Leap Year a holiday? Why doesn't everyone get the day off every 4 years? They're treating us like criminals!  Come on, who's with me?!
 

 
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