KeithSpeak- December 2013

 

 
 
 
December 1, 2013
The requests for my time this past week have been enormous. I have been more popular, more in demand, more wanted than anything. I feel like the most beautiful girl at the prom, the only person for the job, the sought after one. If life were a graduation, I would be the valedictorian of everything, It has boosted my ego, made me smile and drained me of energy. Strange times these.
 
December 2, 2013
And the hits just keep on coming. Got a call from a woman who wants me to write a movie about her "incredible, extraordinary, unbelievable life with some of the most famous people of the 20th century". Yeah? Like who? She mentions a serial killer, the infamous leader of a well known cult and corrupt politicians. Ugh. No. Although her story would likely make for great entertainment, I would prefer to spend my creative time with the light of humanity and leave the dregs for some other writer infatuated with the nefarious. But gee, thanks for thinking of me! Perhaps I should take my phone off the hook for a bit...
 
December 3, 2013
 6 girls! 3 guys! The new reality series that follows the antics of a troupe of Austrian fashion designers from the future! Watch them quarrel over rope necklaces - 3 strands or 4?! Thrill to the infighting over epaulets, striped pants and pleats! Marvel at their spotless go go boots, form fitting tunics and super short skirts! With 2 gals for every guy, will there be intertroupe romance or cat fights galore?! Will they ever find out if baby face Heinrich is underage? Watch sergeant at arms Franziska take charge! See them march on Salzburg, bypass Steyr, and take Vienna by storm! In this first episode, the troop visits a Caesar statue in Linz! Next week, sergeant at arms Franziska disciplines Dieter - and he likes it! This is the series all Austrians have been waiting for - whether they know it or not! Call your cable provider today.
 
December 4, 2013
On Friday, I made an online purchase from a well known organization. Today I got an e-mail telling me it had been cancelled. I called them. They said it was a computer glitch. They were sorry. They would be happy to reinstitute my order. Thing is, the order had a deep discount due to being made on Black Friday. But they refused to honour the discount. They said today was Wednesday and the promotional code no longer applied. I said this sounds like a scam. They said nah-uh. I cancelled my order. An hour later an e-mail showed up charging my credit card for the full amount of the product I had just cancelled. I called them back. They told me it was a computer glitch. Riiiiight. Lying liars lying for greed. 'Tis the season, eh.
 
December 5, 2013
I walked by a restaurant and saw a young guy at a window table chugging hot sauce straight from the bottle. His buddies were egging him on to finish it. When done, he slammed the empty bottle down on the table and his cronies went wild. Twenty minutes later I walked past that same restaurant. The table was now empty and a janitor was cleaning up the vomit.
 
December 6, 2013
It's -14 and I can't get Maddie into the house. When I suggest that perhaps she might want to come inside, she looks at me like, Why would I want to go into a house that is hot as summer when I can relax out in the frigid snow and be true to my Alaskan malamute self? Maybe she has a point?
 
December 7, 2013
Talked to a webmaster who was bragging on the ad revenue his site was bringing in. He asked why I hadn't commercialized my site with ads. I told him I was all about the content and didn't really care about revenue. He looked at me like I was from outer space. The Internet is many things to many people, I added. He looked at me like I was from outer space and had five heads. Look, some people want to make money, some people want to influence others, I finished. He looked at me like I was from outer space, had five heads and was completely off my alien rocker. Money is everything, he announced. What's the hell's wrong with you?
 
December 8, 2013
If you were allowed to have one of the following attributes, do you think your life would be so much better than it is now?
 
£   You could be unbelievably handsome/beautiful
£   You could have more money than is humanly possible to spend in one lifetime
£   You could have the beautifully sculpted body of an adonis/supermodel with perfect health
£   You could have so much fame that even the famous are in awe of your famosity.
£  You could have the undying love of someone that you also love.
 
Now which would you choose? Why would you do that? Does your choice reveal to you what you think is your greatest lack now? (Did this just help show a little bit of yourself to yourself?) Since that list is just fantasy and you have to live with what you have, is there not a way to make the most of your situation? Like oh, I dunno, maybe accepting your "shortcomings" and loving your life in spite of them? Yes? That's possible? Good.
 
December 9, 2013
I hit the daily double. In one day I had two distinct déjà vu experiences. One was about 8 in the morning at the computer and another was about 10 o'clock that night in front of the TV. I had a whole day to think about the first one and then, when it happened again, the rest of the evening to dwell on the second. So, ahem, after exhaustive thought, I have come to the conclusion that déjà vu is just you being out of sync with another probable you in another probable reality elsewhere in this multiverse that we live. Is too.
 
December 10, 2013
I have to go out of town by 8AM, but first, I have to plow our driveway of the snow we got last night. It is currently 5:08AM. I'm sure our neighbors will be delighted to hear the roar of our beloved tractor and the scraping of its industrious plow this early in the morn. Or not. Later, my pretties.
 
December 11, 2013 
Why are there thorns in life? Because everyone has something to protect, and everybody else has lessons to learn. 
 
December 12, 2013
The humanity in me sort of shriveled when I channel surfed my way into a terrible tragedy involving a 500 pound woman and the woman she loved, a 100 pound pixie a third her age and a fifth her weight. What was so horrible about their situation? During lesbionic sex, the big gal was scared she might crush the little gal as one was too small and one was too big. The show had a noxious host, a dietician, a shrink, and a private detective all there to hash it out. Fortunately, I next surfed to a rugby match that restored my faith in humanity and so everything evened out and I am not any less for having seen that impossible love story first. Whew.
 
December 13, 2013
Got notified that another website wanted to use some material I had written and how much would it cost them to do so. I gave them one price for just reprinting the stuff, but I gave them a better price for me to create some original material just for them. They were surprised, you know, but I think it's nice to give options. People like the control it affords them with choice over the matter. Makes them think: option one or option two. The trick? Make sure that with either option, everybody wins. There are no bad choices to be made. How nice is that?
 
December 14, 2013
From my office I watched three deer come down our driveway at a leisurely pace. When they reached the path up into the field, they lingered on the plowed driveway a bit before jumping into the foot deep snow and meandering toward the woods. Not five minutes later a coyote came down our drive, trotting at half clip, sniffing the airs and following into the snow after the deer, whom I bet would soon be at a leisurely pace no more.
 
December 15, 2013
I erased a piece of proprietary software that I was sure I was finished using and would no longer have a need for when I realized, too late, that it was the only program that could read the legacy archive files. 14 years of site material, kaput. God. Because it's Sunday, I wonder, start of a bad week or the end of one?
 
December 16, 2013
Because that bench has its back to the gorgeous lake view, just imagine how good the view is the other way.
 
December 17, 2013
I just cut bait on something that hasn't been working out. You try and make it work, you want it to succeed, but at some point you realize that the hole is getting deeper and you are moving in the wrong direction. So I pulled the plug and as soon as I did, a massive relief came over my being. This thing is no longer weighing me down. I'm free. Free, I say.
 
December 18, 2013
Two gentlemen overheard in a parking lot.
-- Oh, they're cute as the devil but they'll run you ragged.
-- I could stand to lose a few pounds.
-- If you give 'em half a chance they'll take a mile.
-- Or 1.6 kilometers.
They both laugh.
-- Anything else I should know?
-- They'll love you to death if you let 'em.
-- Sounds good to me.
-- I get permanent visitation rights, right?
-- You can visit us any time you want, Ronny.
-- Ok, you can have the last puppy. She was my favorite, you know.
-- She's in good hands, Ronny. Thank you.
-- Just love her with all your heart, Gene, that's all I ask.
 
December 19, 2013
This fellow tells me how he gets up every day at 5AM, goes out to feed and water the livestock, comes back and showers, dresses, eats cereal and is at his job by 7:30AM. He says he works hard for 9 hours straight, goes home, tends to the livestock again, rides one of his horses, makes dinner, watches TV and is ready for bed by 9PM. He says he does this every day of the week and hasn't taken a day off in over 10 years. But was he happy? He smiled wryly like a man who knows that contentment and fulfillment are hard things to come by in this world, and that he has both.
 
December 20, 2013
  sam
Police Report
At precisely 3:32PM on Rocker Street between Alexander and 7th, a worm hole opened up between apartments 4C, 1341 Rocker Street, and 4F, 1346 Rocker Street. It was a modern spiral helix structure that looked like glass and shone in the light of day. Apt. 4C said she had nothing to do with it even though there was a worm hole in her bedroom. She was a young, beautiful, hysterical woman who appeared shocked and telling the truth. The woman in 4F however, seemed like the perpetrator of the worm hole because in that apartment was a catalytic ion converter fused to a Von Rickten gateway and she had that thing cranked up to 11. She tried to pass it off as just an elaborate tea maker and that she was nothing more than an inveterate tinkerer, but I recognized her as the fugitive east European runaway astrophysicist Marta Masser Izstick, wanted all over the Balkans for her crimes against pretty women in apartments directly across from hers. However, before I could make an arrest, she jumped into the worm hole and disappeared. I radioed for backup. End of report.
 
December 21, 2013
I knew something tech wise to do in a certain type situation and told a couple who didn't, how to do it. It involved mucking about in the Registry, but I said it would solve their problems and they will think I'm a god. We all laughed, ha ha, ha ha. They did exactly as I instructed and suddenly everything worked. Two days later I received a batch of business cards with the name 'god' embossed on it, my address, my phone number. Too cute. Those guys. Soon, I shall be insufferable with my new business cards.
 
December 23, 2013
This guy was blaming everyone and everything except himself for his troubles. I asked him why he didn't take responsibility for what has happened instead of feeling victimized and assuming he has no control over his life. He hissed, "Because they're doing this to me! I am the victim here." In your head you're the victim, but in reality, that's just a position you've adopted. He whined some more, snivelled, and started in again on everyone else. I said, The real victim here is me, having to listen to the cry baby you bawling in public about being a victim. That was about a month ago. He hasn't talked to me since.
 
December 24, 2013
You can't be prepared for anything that happens unless you've thought about what could happen. You can however, be open to anything happening. This requires no forethought and no preparation. Being open is a mindset; being prepared is an action.
 
December 25, 2013
Peace on Earth indeed. Enjoy your time off. Look forward to a brand new year. Hope for the best, expect the best.
 
December 26, 2013
Two boys talking about Christmas.
-- Christmas sucks. I didn't get anything good.
-- What'd you get?
-- Some stupid regular phone. I wanted an iPhone.
-- That sucks.
-- Then I opened a big box that looked like it could be a PS4, so I was all jacked up because that console is so cool, but inside was just a little box with a stupid MP3 player that isn't even the kind I like.
-- Sell it on eBay, then just buy what you want.
-- Then I got to the one that looked the most promising. It was shaped just like the new Galaxy tablet I have been talking to them about for weeks. But it was a damn book! My parents are so old. Every year the gifts get lamer and lamer. What'd you get?
-- A bunch of dorky clothes-
-- Figures.
-- But I also got a 55 inch flat screen for my bedroom and some games for my Xbox One.
-- Damn! I'm coming to your house for Christmas next year.
-- I also got a new iPhone.
-- You bitch!
-- Your family should give you better gifts.
-- I know, Christmas is about giving, right?
 
December 27, 2013
I was jabbering away when a story I was telling required an English accent. I did one, finished the story, and everybody thought it was funny but my accent was terrible. This is not news to me. I know the only accent I can legitimately do is the southern Ohio, Kentucky, West Virginia twang that is the regional language of where I grew up, though it's not a pretty accent, but then neither is my British. Perhaps in 2014 I shall make a resolution to be more authentic by only telling jokes about where I come from. Wait a minute, that didn't sound right...
 
December 28, 2013
You're given two chances to do something. Do you play around with the first one, getting to know the parameters, testing things out, practicing for your real effort on the second try, or do you feel it's imperative that you do it on the first go round, master it as quickly as possible and be successful right away rather than let the pressure of the second and last chance scare you off your game?
 
December 29, 2013
If you were world beating famous and your time came and went, do you think you would have a difficult time sinking back into obscurity once the fame subsided? I ask this because I was out shopping for a dishwasher last night and I'm sure one of the store salesmen was an extremely famous ex-athlete. Just imagine: 25 years ago you were known throughout the world, 25 years later you're selling dishwashers. How hard was that to do? Is this someone to admire or pity?
 
December 30, 2013
Overheard a couple at the drug store.
-- Well, I'd like to go to Jamaica.
-- And I'd like a life of leisure, but neither of them things is happening. Where are the damn Band-Aids in this store.
-- It's my money, Henry. I need a vacation. I want to go to Jamaica.
-- What's in Jamaica?
-- Are you kidding me? Beaches, no snow, water warm enough to swim in.
-- Uh huh, and what else?
-- What do you mean what else?
-- You tell me you're not going for the killer weed?
-- I may partake. So what. Why don't you want to go?
-- 'Cause baby, we could be using that money for so many other things. I got ways we could double, maybe triple that money.
-- Nah uh. We're not going down that road again, Henry. It's my money. I'm going to Jamaica. You coming?
-- If I don't find them Band-Aids soon I'm gonna rip this place apart!
 
December 31, 2013
Tomorrow is the NHL Winter Classic in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Because this outdoor game is always so much fun for both the spectators and athletes, and because the Sochi Olympics are just around the corner, wouldn't it seem natural that a Winter Olympics would set up outdoor rinks and play an entire tournament of outdoor games? I'd watch that.
 

 
 
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