KeithSpeak - August 2015

 

 
 
 
August 1, 2015
It's August. It's hot. This could be you, or your neighbor. Yes, her name is Darlene. And she's naked. Darlene is floating in the pool without a care in the world or a stitch on. It's hot. August hot. Red hot.
 
August 2, 2015
An American friend took his first trip to Toronto and while there he called me to rave about the city. He had no idea! He returned to his home in Tampa, but then his company sent him to Montreal to open a new office. His love for this city! Mon Dieu! I thought he was going to stroke out. But now I'm really worried. He has just informed me that he is to be transferred to Vancouver, where I fear his mind will be officially blown and his heart may stop working completely.
 
August 3, 2015
You ever notice how some people are old before their time? You ever see a 20 something with naturally gray hair? I have, and it's wrong. What about when you meet that preternatural child who speaks like they're 50 years old. And you find yourself carrying on an adult conversation with an 8 year old. Doesn't that freak you out? Just a little? These old-before-their-time anomalies have long baffled modern science, but not me. We're mutating. Are too.
 
August 4, 2015
Don't you find it just a little bit odd that you wake up every day? Wake up from what? From where? Just what exactly have you been doing for the last 8 hours? Your body was here but "you" weren't. And we're not the only ones! All the animals and bugs and birds and fish sleep too! We all do it. Well jeez, don't you find that just a little bit odd?
 
August 6, 2015
Karl Zeiman built Barbie a jet. No one knows why. Not even Karl's wife, Xenia, who was shocked and remarked, "A jet for a doll?! Are you kidding me? Are you nuts? So who's gonna fly the jet, Karl? Ken? He's a pretty boy man child - he can't fly no jet! And lord knows Barbie's dumb as a post, and hell, Karl, you're too damn big, so I'm stumped. Who's gonna fly the jet?" Karl Zeiman was busy fiddling with the wheels so Barbie would have a nice smooth landing. He knew Xenia would never understand. Only Barbie would know what he did for her. And that gave him comfort.
 
August 7, 2015
I was in the pub and saw a friend having lunch. I went over to say hi and was stopped in my tracks - my friend was having fish. He hates fish. (When he was little his brothers locked him in a livewell. He said he smelled like fish for a month and hasn't eaten one since.) What gives? He shrugged and said he thought, you know, he'd give it a try. I didn't believe him for a second. I kept probing until he finally admitted that his new hot girlfriend comes from a family of commercial fishermen and she told him that if he didn't learn to like fish they were done, because she saw his aversion as an insult to all the hard work her family goes through and there was no way she was going to date a fish hater. So here he was "trying to preserve the best piece of ass I've ever had" by eating cod. So romantic, so brave.
 
August 8, 2015
Overheard at the bank.
-- So how's it going with Harry?
-- I can't stand his music. He plays all this progressive jazz crap and it's annoying the hell out of me.
-- Oh.
-- It isn't even music. There are no harmonies or melodies, just a bunch of drugged out musicians playing whatever the hell they feel like all at the same time. I don't know how much more I can take.
-- Oh dear.
-- I'm constantly telling him to tone it down, turn it off or shut it up. I'm starting to sound like a shrew. One part of me wants to stop seeing him, basically because I hate his music, but the other part of me thinks it's so cool to be dating a hipster musician.
-- That's a real problem, all right. So how is he with other things?
-- Oh, he's a normal person in most regards. Well, maybe not the handlebar moustache.
-- No, I mean, how is he...you know.
-- In bed? Average, but that's ok. I can live with that. Just not his music.
-- Maybe you should stop seeing him?
-- Is it stupid of me to think that I can change him so that he'll come to like Taylor Swift?
-- I love her!
-- Me too.
Pause.
-- You're going to have to stop seeing him.
-- I know.
 
August 9, 2015
Overheard at the wharf.
-- Anyway, that is when I decided to leave.
-- Hang on a sec, I should take this call. Hello? No Royce, I did not feed the dog. Can't you do it, I'm down at the wharf with Allie. Why not? But I would have to come all the way home to feed her and you're right there. Can't you take 5 minutes- what? What do you mean the house is on fire?! What are you talking about?! Royce? Royce! Oh my god Allie he hung up!
-- He said the house is on fire?
-- Yes! I better get home.
-- It's a trick.
-- What?
-- Royce is saying that so you'll go rushing home to see if it's on fire, and when you get there and it's not, you'll end up feeding the dog. It's a trick.
-- That bastard!... But what if it really is on fire?
-- It's not.
-- That bastard.
 
August 10, 2015
Losing a loved one is like trying to scrub the spots off a Dalmatian. They're not happy about it and neither are you.
 
August 11, 2015
Being famous nowadays, what with the paps and the tabs and the always on Internet, is like casually saying, Sure I like ice cream, why do you ask?, and then a dozen tractor trailers full of Ben & Jerry's pull up to your house and dump their loads in your driveway, knowing you have no place to put it or any way to process what is happening, and then you watch it all melt in the sun knowing there isn't a thing you can do to stop it. Did that make sense?
 
August 12, 2015
I ordered something from a company in the States. They said they would ship it the next day. The next day I was in a store that sold the same item I had just ordered, and it was 20% cheaper in the store, plus I could have in right there and then instead of waiting a week for it to ship to Canada. So I bought it. Then I called the California company to cancel the order but the service rep said it had already been sent. A week later, it arrived, broken. I called the company and they said I can't return it if it's broken because it was intact when they sent it and I should hassle the shipper, which I had no intention of doing. Instead, I returned the broken one to the store, got my money back and then wrote a scathing letter to the president of the U.S. company chiding him for his company's ridiculous return policy that made the customer liable for recouping damages incurred in shipping. He responded by crediting back my charge card AND sending me a brand new item. Now I have two. Neither of which I paid for. How about that.
 
August 13, 2015
Of all things our little burg doesn't need, a casino was probably atop that list. But of course, one just opened. And that makes me sad, because I don't see it as a place of joy. I think a lot of people will get in trouble in that place. I think mortgages will be lost, nest eggs squandered, old age pensions spent. I think good people will make bad choices in a place like that. Of the big three vices - prostitution, gambling and drugs - how did gambling become the legal one?
 
August 14, 2015
It's election campaign time again. This slate of losers looks appallingly feeble; a slew of hacks. Where are the visionaries? Jesus.
 
August 15, 2015
I saw someone do something shameful. I cringed watching it. You could see that the guy who did it was aware of his shamefulness while in the very act, but was committed to it and couldn't stop until it was over. When it was, an awkward silence ensued. Everybody who witnessed it, the guy who committed it, we were all left with a bad taste in our mouths. Someone said, Let's pretend that never happened.
 
August 17, 2015
Overheard at the bakery.
-- Maybe we should stop doing this, Mom. I'm getting too fat.
-- Oh stop it, Ronny. Go on, eat your cremes.
-- But what if I become diabetic from all the sweets?
-- Oh Ronny, doctors say those things to scare you. They just want to keep having more patients to make sure they stay in business. Have that crueller, honey.
-- But Mom, the school nurse said that eating sweets every day isn't good for you. And we're here every day.
-- Oh Ronny, it's the only time you and I have that's ours. I love our little meetings in the bakery, don't you?
-- Of course I do. But I get in here and I can't stop eating. I'm gaining a lot of weight.
-- Oh pooh. You look good just the way you are. Go on, eat that last eclair.
-- I feel like you're fattening me up. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
-- Don't be silly, Ronny. I could never eat you....not all by myself... How about some turtles for dessert? My treat.
 
August 18, 2015
Down at the waterfront, a Japanese tourist asked me if I could direct him to the nearest grocery, which I did. He asked if it would have toilet paper. I assured him it would. The fellow returned about a half hour later with a 12 pack of toilet paper. He walked up to me, carefully opened the package, handed me a single roll and said Thank you, while bowing. I accepted his gift, he bowed again, and walked away. I stood down at the waterfront holding my roll of toilet paper reflecting on the gratitude just displayed and wondering if I had sent him to the bank to get money, if he would have come back offering me some, you know, cold hard cash.
 
August 19, 2015
If I lived to be 110 and some media type interviewed me on my birthday and asked the inevitable question: To what do you attribute your long life to?, I would have to say unequivocally, it was the cold pizza for breakfast. That and the recreational drugs. And beer. Lots of beer. And my dogs. All my dogs. That is, of course, assuming I live to be 110 years old. If I die before that and people ask what did me in, weirdly, they'll give the same answers - drugs, alcohol and those damn dogs. It's really an all or nothing proposition, isn't it.
 
August 20, 2015
Someone demanded that I post a picture of them and their cat. I refused, though I did say I would write about them. And now I have.
 
August 21, 2015
When she was bad, Ula would go into the cave and watch television by herself.
 
August 22, 2015
A lot of you wanted to know more about Ula, and the particulars of her cave and how she managed to get such good TV reception. Some were quite interested in the cave winds given the state of her hair. Still others asked if she was a natural redhead. Most of you wanted to know exactly how bad she had been. Precisely what she had done. Why she was dressed the way she was, is she single, does she own her own cave, etc. These are all excellent questions and Ula wanted me to thank you, thank you all for taking the time to ask them.
 
August 23, 2015
I rounded a corner of the mall and came upon a couple wearing the same outfit. They both had on a cowboy style straw hat, flannel shirt, check pants like a chef might wear, hiking boots with thick wool socks and red neckerchiefs. The female looked hip, shabby chic and kind of sexy in a down to earth way; the guy looked like an out of place eyesore - part hayseed, part attempt at a male model glamour thing, but falling woefully short of both and accomplishing neither. I'm guessing it was her idea they dress alike.
 
August 24, 2015
To all my Aussie readers who have been asking me how Jarryd Hayne has been doing in preseason NFL games, I will say that he is lights out. EVERYONE is impressed. He is looking very good to make the 49ers squad. And for those of us in the northern hemisphere who are fans of the AFL, just a reminder, only 2 more rounds left - then the real fun begins. Oh boy.
 
August 25, 2015
Ten years ago a young fellow wrote in asking for advice on the business of writing. I told him some stuff that I thought might be helpful in his particular case. He has just published his first novel to rave reviews, sold the movie rights, and has already established his own production company. He wrote to thank me. I told him that he did all the work, not me. He said he wouldn't have done what he did without my advice. Aw, blush blush.
 
August 26, 2015
Spoke to a jeweller who said he was getting out of the business because "selling rocks is a stupid way to make your mark on the world".
 
August 28, 2015
While in this reality, your body is your residence. Some people consider their body a temple, while others ignore, curse or hate theirs. For those who don't like the body they reside in, since you are literally this body, the question begs to be asked - why would you hate yourself? Isn't that awful? You continually create your body by the thoughts you have about it. So why not change those thoughts? Why not learn to accept yourself, work on your relationship with yourself, and create something wonderful by accepting the package you come in and learning to like, if not love, your physical, human, residence on Earth? It makes the whole experience of being here so much better.
 
August 29, 2015
Overheard in a store.
-- I hate to admit this but I ate an entire chocolate cake all by myself last night while binge watching reruns of Seinfeld.
-- That's nothing. I bought one of those giant tubs of ice cream from Costco and sat through a marathon of Entourage seasons 1 through 3, and then used the empty tub to catch my tears because after it was all over I knew a stud like Vinnie would never go for a fat girl like me.
-- We're horrible.
-- Food is my addiction and my solace.
-- Who needs men?
-- All I need is Netflix, Cheetos and my vibrator.
-- Amen.
 
August 30, 2015
"We like to do incredible things in front of big crowds."
                                                               Kevin Pillar
                                                               centre fielder, Toronto Blue Jays
 

 
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