I hate you and I'm not eating those Brussels sprouts.
What, you've never seen insouciance before?
What is nihilism? I am nihilism.
My real name is Tim but you can call me DGAF Jones.
I am not cleaning my room.
I hate you. All of you.
April 2, 2018
"It's my anniversary," he boasted. "That's now 32 years of marriage - spread over 8 wives! Haw!" He snorted like, Boy, isn't that something. Then he stopped and did the math in his head. "Guess 'bout 4 years per wife's my limit! Haw!" He wasn't much to look at, and he's never had what you would call a steady job, and yet somehow he has been able to attract eight women to join him in matrimony. Haw indeed.
April 3, 2018
TIP OF THE DAY
When making excuses, don't say you haven't got time. Time is all you have. Granted, if you're on your deathbed, maybe you haven't got much time, and okay, if you're on death row and they've set a date, then obviously you haven't got much time, but in those circumstances, get real, no one's going to ask you to do anything anyway so you won't be needing any excuses, and don't forget, years from now, when time travel becomes an everyday reality, and time is all wacky and cockamamie, you'll have to be using other barely plausible excuses like you have food poisoning or you're waiting for the cable repair guy.
April 4, 2018
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You know, I never realized how catchy that is
April 6, 2018
Overheard at a hockey game.
-- These guys suck.
-- I think it's bad coaching. The boys are trying, but...
-- Either way, they suck.
-- What would you do differently if you were the coach?
-- Before the game I'd take the whole team to a peeler bar and let them get all horny and worked up and then go straight to the rink where the game would be their only way to release the pent up sexual energy they built up watching the strippers. With no girls around, they would take out their frustrations on the other team.
-- That's not a bad idea.
-- We'd win every game.
April 7, 2018
Theirs was a romantic short story.
Alva loved Jean.
Jean loved Alva.
They married in St. Mark's Square.
Got drunk at Silvio's bar.
Afterward, both tried to board the gondola at the same time, tripped each other, fell head first against the boat and drown in the canal.
Alva and Jean died in Venice.
Theirs was a romantic short story.
April 9, 2018
I'm sitting in an insurance office while the agent types stuff into his computer. His monitor is on a swivel, and at one point he turns it to show me some figures. Suddenly, everything goes blank. Just as suddenly, the screen is immediately filled with hundreds of sex ad pop ups. He freaks out and runs to get the IT guy. The girl in the next cubicle screams, Oh my god! There's porn on my computer! Then it happens to everyone else in the office as the computer virus runs amok in the network. I can see this isn't going to help me with my issues so I get up to leave. All the guy agents are still in their cubicles looking at the porn. All the female agents are milling in the reception area frantically talking amongst themselves. When all was said and done, even though I didn't get what I came for, it was the most entertaining day ever at an insurance office.
April 10, 2018
She tiptoed into the room hoping not to wake her husband. She quietly got undressed and slipped into bed. She stared at the ceiling in the dark and wondered how much longer she could put up with it. Would her marriage continue to limp on, broken, or would there be some definitive moment when everything changes? She looked at her husband and contemplated his demise. It would make things so much simpler.
In the face of overwhelming odds, perfect precision and a unison that has only been matched by the Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies, the little orange fellow folded like a bad poker hand.
April 12, 2018
I parked next to a car with the most adorable dog in the passenger seat. I said, Hi you, to the little cutie and at the exact moment I did, a pit bull leapt from the back seat, put its super serious face right up to the glass, and stared at me, saying very clearly in pit bull, Don't even think about it. It was Dave Semenko protecting Wayne Gretzky.
April 13, 2018
Dude was walking his pet pig down the street. The little porker was maybe 30 pounds and about the size of a beagle. The difference? The pig didn't stop at every tree and signpost to sniff and pee.
April 14, 2018
An editor said to me, "You used to be funnier." I agreed with him. He looked at me sideways. "Really. That's the first time in my recollection that you have agreed with an observation of mine about your work." "Funny, huh?" I said, making a great pun. "Good one," he acknowledged. We both chuckled and moved on.
April 15, 2018
Overheard at a bus stop while two guys and a girl played dice against a building.
-- Come on baby, dollars to donuts!
-- What the hell does that mean?
-- It's a betting term.
-- Well, I don't like it, Jimmy. So stop saying it. It's stupid. Dollars, donuts, dumb. You hear me?
-- Luck be a lady tonight!
-- God Jimmy, what the hell is wrong with you?
-- Yeah, man, that's bullshit. Luck ain't no lady. She's a contrary bitch. Everybody knows that. Just roll the bones already.
-- Yeah, Jimmy.
-- Will you two shut up and let me concentrate. Papa needs a brand new bag!
-- Oh god!
-- Man, you're the worst!
April 16, 2018
My buddy's wife is addicted to selfies. She constantly has her phone in her hand an arm's length away snapping photos of herself in front of this or that. It's so annoying. Why doesn't she ever take a picture of me? Tee hee.
April 17, 2018
FedEx delivered a package marked URGENT, FRAGILE, TOP SECRET. I wasn't expecting anything from anybody. I shook the box. It rattled like whatever was in there was already broken. There was no return address. The waybill just had XXXX in place of a name and XXXX for the address. Absolutely none of this was right, so I refused the package. And you know what else? I'm not the least bit curious about what it was.
April 18, 2018
Today's Blue Jays baseball game can only be seen exclusively on Facebook. Are you kidding me? I have to miss today's game because Major League Baseball is kowtowing to a, a, a robot? Are you kidding me?
April 19, 2018
Everything you see as inanimate, is actually conscious - rocks, dirt, the chair you're sitting in. All matter possesses consciousness. Everything in our world comes from the same field of possibilities and this quantum world of potentiality brings forth all that we see as real. And all of it is conscious. That's how it becomes real. Does too.
Everyone wonders: From where did these terrible hipsters originate? After exhaustive investigation, it can now be revealed that this is the guy who started it all, Barry Lemon III from Stamford, Connecticut, seen here at a local Starbucks with his portable typewriter and his collared shirt and cardigan combo with his hip, smart haircut, having a foreign newspaper as a table prop to make it look like he can actually read Finnish, looking like he is composing a manifesto or something deep. Yup, from this, the hipster is born. Uh, gee, thanks Barry?
April 23, 2018
LETTER OF THE MONTH
My wife is Spanish, hot as a firecracker, gorgeous and a massive flirt. A couple of weeks ago, two young college boys moved into the house next to ours. Since then, my wife has been drying her thongs, bras and other lingerie out on the clothesline within sight of the guys (something she never did before). She is constantly talking about how young and cute they are and how she hopes (giggle giggle) they're not watching her sunbathe nude on our deck. Before I got married, my own mother pulled me aside and told me that she was too much woman for me. Should I be worried?
A guy who works too much and is tired most the time
You have a bombshell wife who apparently wants more out of life than she is getting. So either you figure out how to give it to her or it sounds like your neighbours will.
April 24, 2018
Overheard two teens at the drug store.
-- I'm not buying 'em.
-- Well you can't screw her without them.
-- Why not?
-- 'Cause you sure as hell ain't gonna be my step daddy.
-- What are you talking about?
-- If you knock her up?
-- You buy 'em.
-- Look dude, I'm not the one having sex with my divorced mother who is driving me insane because she hasn't had any since dad left and is so damn irritable and miserable to live with that I see only two options: either I kill her or I set her up with you to take the edge off so she can be a nicer person again. So buy the damn condoms already.
-- You know, when you say it all out loud like that, it sounds like I'm doing you a big favor. So you buy the condoms.
-- You're doing me a favor?! By screwing my mother?! Are you freakin' serious?
-- Yeah, you're right. I'll buy 'em.
April 26, 2018
She was a physics professor who just had her first child. She wanted to name the baby QE, short for quantum entanglement. Her husband, a history professor, laughed so hard stuff came out of his nose, got serious, nixed the QE thing, said he preferred Euripides, maybe Marcellus, possibly Daedalus. They argued about it. They fought over it. They left the hospital with a nameless baby. They had 60 days to agree on a moniker. They just couldn't do it. In the end, the State took the baby back and named it Stanley. No one was happy, but all agreed it was for the best.
April 27, 2018
Wondering how to make the wife happy?
"There are way too many people!" You have just entered a big city watering hole and the place is completely packed. They are three deep at the bar and there is literally no room to move without being pressed up against others. You make your way into the room when she whispers, "Someone just grabbed my bum." A few feet further and she stops. "Ok, two people have now grabbed my ass. It's way too claustrophobic in here for me. I want to go."
Wonder no more.
April 28, 2018
I was late. He looked annoyed. Supposedly he is a stickler for being on time. This might be an issue. He is a well know director and producer and we were to meet for lunch to talk about a project, but he looked terribly annoyed. I slid into my chair. He blurted out, "I just discovered that my wife is having an affair with (and he names a famous actor who shall remain nameless). I am heartbroken, mad, confused..." I see that my tardiness has nothing to do with his mood. Yippie. As for his wife's infidelity, I couldn't care less. Three drinks later he couldn't either. The movie project? Um, not much happened regarding that.
April 29, 2018
He called it the sexy penguin dance and asked her to do it. She tried to mimic a penguin's walk and turn it into an erotic dance but it just came out as an awkward and uncoordinated thrashing about on stage. She was doing this in front of 150 laughing people after having been plucked from the very same audience and hypnotized by The Fabulous Marco, hypnotist to the stars, now somehow playing a hockey arena in a town of 15,000 in the middle of British Columbia. Everyone was enjoying the show save for one man growing red with rage: her husband. As the crowd laughed at his penguin dancing wife, he blew a gasket. He stood up and asked the Fabulous Marco if he knew what they do in hockey arenas in Canada. Marco was working his routine and wasn't going to be bothered with a heckler, when the husband yelled, We fight! and rushed the stage. He tackled Marco and put him in a headlock while continually yelling, Bring her out of it! Bring her out of it! Meanwhile, the wife is next to them doing her sexy penguin dance. The audience roared. It was easily the most Canadian thing ever.